This is a little piece of nonsense I knocked off once when I was bored

Toodle pip!


PS I promise there’ll be more about Charlie and Me soon, but this post lays some groundwork. From what I’ve posted of C&M, you’ll see that names are an important part of the story, and that theme runs throughout the book.

What’s in a name?

Errmm, well quite a lot. Your name may well determine your destiny. Take Rocky Marciano. With a name like that his future was pretty well mapped out. You can imagine a conversation between the young Rocky and his dad.

‘Well son, what do you want to do when you grow up?’

‘I think I’ll spend some time thumping people for a living.’

‘That’s my boy.’


But a godparent slightly the worse for wear, a slightly deaf or distracted registrar or church minister, even a slip of the ecclesiastical pen on the baptismal certificate, and it could all have been very different. Instead of Rocky Marciano, heavyweight boxer famous the world over, we’d have had Ricky Marciano, a crooner renowned only in a small nightclub in Horsecollar, Montana.


A bit of browsing on the Internet reveals a lot of people who, but for hiccups at the baptism, might have followed a very different path in life.




Hari Sun Ford

After spending his late teens wearing a saffron robe and annoying people in Oxford Street going about their peaceful business of picking pockets and snatching handbags, Hari saw the Way of the Light and set up an ashram in Surrey. Here he persuaded rich people that the way to eternal serenity was to worship his toenail clippings, and for this privilege he had them make over all their wealth to him. This allowed him to indulge his other two great spiritual appetites – fast cars and impressionable young women.


Truce Willis

A Vietnam veteran who became a confirmed pacifist, Truce works actively for the anti-gun lobby in the US. He is also a founder of the pressure group ‘Violent Movies? No Thanks’, which attempts to persuade the cinema industry only to make U certificate cartoon films, and to have Harry Potter black listed by the studio system. In his spare time he is a roving ambassador for the singlet industry. Ardent anti-smoker.


Michaela Schumacher

A transvestite who, after finding that motor racing was not for him, since the fireproof mask and crash helmet made his hair go flat, tried a new career in catwalk modelling. His experiences in this dog eat dog environment led him to write his seminal book of insights; ‘Lantern Jaw: the secret world of prejudice in high fashion’. Currently runs a lucrative business forging autographs.




Tiara Palmer Tomkinson

Successful entrepreneuse who actually has a proper job. Runs a highly specialised engineering company that produces paste copies of family jewels for rich people whose insurance companies won’t let the real thing out of the bank vaults. She is something of a recluse who eschews publicity, and little is known about her private life, though it is known she is a teetotaller and anti-drugs.


Beryl Streep

Recently awarded an OBE for services to the school dinners industry, Beryl found that, after 23 years as a school crossing lady who had never had a day off sick, and who had only been on holiday once in that time (a long weekend in Jaywick), the outdoor life was getting hard to take. She made a career move into merciless boiling of vegetables. Now retired, she collects novelty toilet roll covers, and knits stripy pullovers for the 52 grandchildren and great-grandchildren


Feline Dion

Recently entered the Guinness Book of Records for having the world’s biggest collection of Franklin Mint’s ‘lovingly hand crafted 2 carat gilt porcelain figurines of adorable kittens in various unlikely postures. Over 2000 of these adorn her bungalow in Eastbourne, and dusting them all takes three days. A lesser known fact is that she was Eastbourne Residents All-Comers Curtain Twitching champion for five years in a row (1996 to 1991).