I haven’t been very silly over the past couple of days, so it’s time to correct that state of affairs. It may only be fair to warn you this is likely to be the first in a series of diatribes about the festive season.

There’s a lot of round robin letters flying about at this time of year. Let’s be clear about something. Their purpose is not to amuse, enlighten, and inform. Their purpose is to piss you off big time. So it’s time to fight fire with fire.

Rounding up your year to impress or depress your friends can be a real chore. Some people will not be impressed that you have a new hot-tub. If you tell a maiden aunt you’ve discovered the joys of tantric sex, she may well look at you knowingly and say,‘I may not have married dearie, but during the war I banged like a privy door when the plague hit town.’ A bit of targeted marketing is required.

So this pyo options Round Robin is the answer to your need. Simply insert your details where indicated by the parentheses ( ), then tick the options to create your own personal version of the past year.

  • Ciao!
  • Greetings Earthlings!
  • Dear Loser
  • Hare Krishna
  • Salaam

Well what a year it has been for the (Insert name) family!!!! No doubt we have

  • earned more money
  • taken more drugs
  • had much better sex
  • bought a vastly more expensive car
  • moved to a nicer neighbourhood

than you have, or can even think of. So of course we are feeling pretty damn smug about things these days, sucker.

(Insert partner’s name)’s

  • loan sharking business
  • crack house
  • hot car ring
  • embezzlement of pension funds
  • double glazing outfit

has gone from strength to strength. As a result he/she is now

  • rolling in it
  • on the run from the Mob
  • wanted by police in 5 different countries
  • in jail
  • a central tunnel support in the new terminal at StanstedAirport

It has been a bit of a chequered year for our youngest, (Insert name). While he

  • passed his driving test only 7 hours into his 17th birthday
  • gained 14 GCSE A* grades at the age of 12
  • climbed the Matterhorn while wearing rollerskates
  • spent six months defusing landmines in a remote place you have never even heard of
  • became the world’s youngest dotcom millionaire

he has been struggling with his spiritual side. His yin and yang have been out of balance, and no amount meditation or arcane martial arts have been able to restore this. As a result, his

  • getting busted for selling Es to junior school children
  • being cautioned for indecent exposure
  • arrest for stealing women’s underwear from washing lines
  • wrecking Dad’s Ferrari
  • becoming unhealthily interested in sheep

understandably cast a wee bit of a shadow over the last couple of months for him. And it has to be said, his enforced stay in the Betty Ford Clinic did him no favours.

It has been a similar patchy story for our eldest (Insert name) who

  • earned £25000 per day as a catwalk model
  • discovered a vaccine against malaria
  • brokered peace in the Middle East
  • persuaded the US to write off all Third World debt
  • developed a totally green automobile

However, she too has had her problems, with the brief sojourn at The Priory seeming to do more harm than good. As you may have read in the papers, she also

  • was arrested for having sex with a 14 year old
  • sometimes thinks she is Joan of Arc
  • refuses to have a butterdish in the house
  • has converted to Satanism
  • has become a £1000 a night hooker

and we fear the after effects may blight her promising career in astrophysics

Still we mustn’t grumble! ‘Keep smiling’ is pretty well our family motto as you well know!

But it isn’t all bad news. On the upside, (Insert name), our pet

  • alligator
  • pot bellied pig/koala bear cross
  • leech
  • sloth
  • pit bull terrier

has had a good year, and is now fully recovered from his/her

  • piles
  • blind staggers
  • nCJD (just like Gerald Ronson – allegedly!!!)
  • nystagmus
  • footrot

And that’s about it from us!! But before we close, we must thank you, thank you, so much for the

  • bat colony sponsorship
  • winsome statuette of a unicorn doing something unseemly with a nymph
  • Tibetan prayerwheel
  • golf ball personaliser
  • teak effect magazine rack

you sent us last Festive Season. It was much appreciated, and we

  • gave it to the needy of the parish
  • smoked it
  • sold it at a handsome profit
  • broke it within days
  • chucked it out as worthless

That’s about all for now, but we will be in touch again next year with the express aim of telling you how wonderful we are, and how comparatively uneventful and meaningless your lives have been.

  • Merry Christmas
  • Happy Diwahli
  • Ciao!
  • Allah U Akbar
  • Shalom

The (Insert name) Model Nuclear Family

PS Let’s do lunch! We’ve found this darling little bistro that the great unwashed haven’t yet discovered and ruined. Anton, the chef, is a genius. You’ll just adore it!