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This morning I found a puddle of goo by the desk, and this on my laptop. It’s from Lee Roy.


Howdy all, this here’s Lee Roy. Seein as how all you good people have been mighty kind to me, readin bout me an all, I’m gonna give yer an early Christmas present. Tain’t a haiku. It’s a Christmas song to get y’all in the mood.

Tain’t really a song neither. More kinda hiphop/crap. Ya know, like that M&M does. So I’ve called it Lee Roy’s Christmas Rapping. Kinda clever.

I even thought to put in some music for yer. Just catch the rythymhm –never could spell- and have yourselves a real good singalong.

Fagboy tells me this is what he calls doggerel. I think it’s purty good too, but y’all have to listen to the music and singalong. Lemme hear ya singin, now.


For Christmas I’m goin home

Back to Carolina

Tell you, friends that

Nothin could be finer


Pa’s brewin up a batch

A brand new load of ‘shine

Then we’ll be makin merry

Down in Caroline


Momma’s going to make me

Squirrel brains an grits

Hope the outhouse is workin

In case I get the squits


Pa Scruggs has cooked some meth

Matchheads and lithium batteries

Pa Flatt says it’s good

And that won’t be no flattery


For Ma an Pa Scruggs

I bought ‘em some new boots

Next dance in the pig waller

They won’t give a hoot


Charlene and Darlene

I bought em both tattoos

Each of em’s got a devil’s tail

Growin out of their wazoo


For Marlene I took maself

Down to Victoria’s Secret

Ever seen the stuff in there?

Well, whole lee shit


And I do mean holey

There’s hardly nothin there

Those thongs you can buy

Must be uncomfortable to wear


Bubba, Dubba, Hubba each

I got a case of beer

Well cases each to make sure

That they’ll be in good cheer


For my limey friend Fagboy

A pack of Skoal Bandits

Hope he knows what they’re for

And don’t use em for Band-Aids


So the Fuckwits and the Scruggs

And the Flatts all wish yer well

If yer don’t like my song

Well you can go to hell


Goin home to Carolina

Really should be festive

I’m back in the New Year

If I don’t get arrested.


Pretty good considerin, dontcha think? Even if Fagboy says it don’t scan. Far as I’m concerned, scannin’s what yer do on the radio when there’s a load of black and whites on yer tail and yer only three miles from the State border

Don’t rhyrmmeyh to good? Well none of them there hiphop/crap songs do neither.

Hope ‘all have a real good time.

Yer friend

Lee Roy Fuckwit