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Be warned. There’s some really deeply offensive insults in this post. Horribly personal and very sexist. I’m not kidding. I came within a gnat’s of not posting it at all, but Renee in her wisdom told me just to get on with it

In previous lives I’ve spent a lot of time in hotels. Since I’m a chronic insomniac, and chronically interested in other people (some would call this being nosy) I don’t mind hotels. And you get to see some spectacularly bad behaviour.

I’ll warn you again, there will be some extremely sexist and very offensive language in this coming up. I’m just reporting it, I didn’t invent it, and I wouldn’t use it. But you have been warned.

For some reason many couples regard a hotel or its attendant carpark as the perfect venue for a good row. A particularly rich source of amusement is when they and a couple of friends have been to a wedding reception. They all go out about 2:00 pm, women in posh frocks, men in suits, carrying presents, and you just know that come 2:00 am when they roll back there is going to be the mother and father of battles. It will turn ugly.

For no particular reason I’m going to call the couple who have the main row Dave and Jackie, and they have friends Bob and Lisa. All four pour themselves out of the cab. None of them looks quite as sharp as they did 12 hours earlier. Dishevelled is about right. Bob pays the driver while Dave and Jackie head for the hotel entrance. Jackie’s a bit unsteady, and her heels aren’t helping, so Dave puts a supportive arm round her.

‘Don’t touch me! Get your hands off me! Don’t you dare touch me!’

‘What’s up, love?’

‘Don’t love me either. I saw you with that woman!’

‘Eh?’

‘Don’t think I didn’t see you. It was disgusting, the way she was pawing you. And you clearly were enjoying it too! Bastard.’

‘I had a dance with her, that’s all.’

‘Dancing! I’ve never heard it called that before! What a fucking tart!’

‘But…’

‘She’s bloody welcome to you, anyway. You’re as much use in bed as a tinned hotdog.’

Dave now goes to Defcon 3.

‘You bloody bitch!’

‘It’s true! You barely touch the sides. I’ve seen bigger thumbs on a baby!’

‘Listen you fat cow, it’s not my fault you’re as slack as a wizard’s sleeve.’

It’s all getting out of hand now. Bob and Lisa are standing around looking nervous. A few lights have appeared in various windows. And people are trying to work out what all the noise is about.

‘I’d have more luck getting a worm back in a hole!’

‘You’re like a clown’s pocket!. I keep worrying I’ll fall in.’

‘That’s because I’ve had three kids by you, you useless git!’

Lisa steps in. ‘Come on, Jackie, calm down.’

‘I am calm. And don’t think I don’t know about you and him. You slag!’

So Lisa slaps Jackie. This is also a revelation to Bob, who rounds on Dave.

‘You bastard! You’ve been shagging my missus! Some best mate you are!’ And a punch follows.

Dave staggers back, then dashes at Bob and head butts him. Meanwhile Lisa and Jackie are pulling each other’s hair and screaming.

At this point someone leans out of a window and shouts ‘For fucks sake, shut up!’

Miraculously all four of the antagonists unite in their enmity.

‘Bugger off and mind your own business,’ they yell with one voice.

‘Right. I’m coming down and I’m going to sort you out!’

‘Yeah? Well bring your mates, cos you’ll need someone to carry you to the ambulance!’

Then Jackie throws up on Lisa’s Manolo Blahniks, and it all goes off again. Then the night manager calls the cops, and cops do not like domestic altercations one little bit. So they arrest all four.

Think I’m exaggerating? I’ve seen all this happen, and the insults are for real. I’ve heard them used.