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Shortly after the success of my ‘How not to be a dork if you’re a woman,’ I was approached by a market research company to design a survey to determine levels of male dorkiness in the general population.

Given my general scepticism about surveys, which view I have expressed many times, I might have been expected not to accept this mission. However I rose to the challenge. It would give me the chance to redress any bias I might be accused of after my earlier effort.

The questions here break down largely into three categories. Appearance; personal habits; and attitudes towards women. In the grand tradition I’ve mixed them up.

So you get a maximum of two minutes to answer all 30 questions to stop you cheating and backtracking.

  1. If your car breaks down, do you insist on opening the bonnet/hood and staring at the engine as if you can see what’s wrong?
  2. Do you wear sandals to the office?
  3. Do you wear socks with sandals?
  4. Argyll socks?
  5. Do you have a comb-over?
  6. Do you have a beard with no moustaches that makes you look like a Belgian rocket scientist? Note. You must answer this question even if you are a Belgian rocket scientist.
  7. Do you routinely address barmaids/waitresses/your secretary/the office junior as ‘Babe.’?
  8. In public, do you ever refer to your wife or partner by an affectionate nickname best kept between yourselves? Examples include Mrs Tiggiewinkle, Scrumblebum
  9. Has she ever told you she really doesn’t like this soubriquet?
  10. Have you ever voluntarily been to a lap dancing or pole dancing club?
  11. Can you fart the first ten notes of La Cucaracha?
  12. Do you believe that there is nothing duct tape can’t fix?
  13. Do you believe that saying ‘I love you’ is a job best left to the women?
  14. Have you ever said ‘I love you’ and not meant it?
  15. She does all the washing and ironing. Have you ever moaned about the once weekly task of putting the rubbish out?
  16. Do you buy lots of power tools that are still in their boxes in the garage?
  17. Do you expect everyone to be as interested in collecting matchbooks or beer mats as you are?
  18. Do you believe that brightly coloured Crocs are suitable footwear for anybody over the age of ten?
  19. Have you, at any time since 1977, worn a white suit for any other reason than to win a bet or attend a fancy dress party?
  20. Do you believe you can dance as well now as you could 20 years ago?
  21. Your wife wires up a plug on an appliance. Do you wait until she goes out then secretly check she’s done it ‘properly’?
  22. Do you strip wires with your teeth?
  23. Have you ever electrocuted yourself while doing DIY?
  24. Conversing with a woman, have you ever stared at her cleavage rather than looking at her face?
  25. Have you ever told a woman that yes her arse does look fat in that dress?
  26. Is your preferred mode of transport a pickup truck or FWD, even though you are a city dweller?
  27. Have you ever tried to ride a motorbike while blindfolded?
  28. Have you ever tried to strawpedo six beers in two minutes, or two fisted bourbon and Nyquil?
  29. Do you own a toupee that looks like Donald Trump’s?
  30. Have you lied when answering any of the above questions?

Easy. All you do now is add up the number of yesses and rate yourself according to the following guidelines

0 You’re actually a woman

1 to 10 Not too bad, but you may not be being honest

11 to 20 About average. There’s hope for you yet

21 to 25 You really are a dork. Give up playing World of Warcraft and pay some attention to others

26 to 30. You’re almost certainly fooling yourself here. Several of the questions refer to wives and partners, and I find it unlikely you’re in a relationship, so you should have answered ‘Don’t know.’ You may well never have had sex

Some really bad news. There are a couple of time bomb questions in here, and if you answer Yes to any of them you are a dork, full stop.

Question 7

Question 10

Question 14

Question 30

An Interesting exercise

Get your wife or partner to answer these questions on your behalf, and then compare results. Be prepared to put up some vigorous denials.