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You may think you can do this without any help from me. You may be wrong. I am a true expert in this field. The Meister, the Maestro. I’m a 10th Dan adept.

An example. On holiday in what was then Yugoslavia. I’d left Alison on the beach and gone for a swim round a small headland. There was a bit of a sea running, and the headland was rocky so there was a bit of an undertow. I’m a strong swimmer, and it wasn’t too hard, but I knew I was having to work for a living.

Far side of headland, a small cove. Fifteen foot cliff then a flat slab. Climb up rocks to flat slab and walk back? Or swim? I think I climb and walk.

Pile of rocks a bit like a staircase. Up I go; an ibex would be proud of me. Reach top. Hands on slab, begin to haul myself up.

I’m not alone. On top of slab, a sunbather. A woman. A large woman. A large woman with legs akimbo. A large naked woman with legs akimbo. And as my head emerges over the edge of the slab, I’m looking straight up between her legs at her.. at her… well, you know, at her….

I’ve seen one or two before. But in different circumstances. I knew whose they were. This is a complete stranger’s…

Sunbather raises her head. Stares down through her ample cleavage and across her equally ample stomach. Bright smile.

‘Guten tag.’

‘Errmm, good morning.’

‘English?’

‘Yes.’

‘Nice day.’

‘Errm yes.’

Sunbather lowers head again completely unconcerned.

Now I’ve scoured the etiquette books to find how I should have reacted here, but with no success.