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Because I’m a thicko, I posted this on one of my other blogs rather than here, where it was meant to go.

You may remember that just around Thanksgiving I wrote a post about bowel habits. If you missed it, here it is


You also know of my love of market research. And now I’ve just got wind of a market research survey that offers double bubble, since it combines the two.

(Cue music: Happy days are here again.)

Much too good an opportunity to pass, if you’ll forgive the term. The pun on ‘got wind of’ made me chuckle too. Tragically, I’m a 60 year old man trapped in a five year old boy’s world of bottom jokes.

Let’s press on, but remember not to strain, OK? This research project is as odd as they come. Andrex, makers of toilet paper, or lavatory tissue, to the great and good, are using television advertising to conduct this survey. And exactly what are they researching? I’ll tell you what they are researching. It’s a single question, with only two possible answers. That’s my kinda market research. Unequivocal results are always good, and very easy to interpret.

Here’s the question they’re asking. Are you a folder or a scruncher? In other words, do you fold the toilet paper, or do you scrunch it, before wiping your arse?

Who cares? I mean, do you care? I don’t give a shit. Oops, there I go again. Sorry.

I’m mildly surprised that scrunchers exist. I was brought up in the era of Izal Medicated. This was the texture of clay-glazed baking parchment. Scrunch that and you’d tear yourself a new one. It would really hurt. But I really don’t need to know the wiping habits of the population at large.

I shall however follow the survey with interest. Mainly because I’m fascinated by how the ad agency and PR company pitched this concept. I suspect even Marc Zimmerframe, salesman to the gentry, would have struggled with this, and he sold the idea of the Large Hadron Collider.


But there’s something even better about this. The sign off line in the advertisement is

‘We want to know.’

Really? Why? Why do you want to know? What possible difference can it make to your product? It’s a bit prurient, even vaguely pervy, to want to know, isn’t it? Or is it just me? That’s happened before, I can tell you.

Never mind. It gave me an excuse to resurrect Marc. I like him.