I have advised you on not being killed by polar bears, zombies, vampires, jellyfish, crocodiles, sharks, and sundry other threats to navigation. You may well think that none of these tips is particularly relevant to the modern urban warrior. You may well be right.
So some immediacy is in order here. Some right here right now guidance. What’s going to keep you alive and kicking while you man the barricades and rip the pins out of grenades with your teeth like that nutter with the bad hair who’s running North Korea just now. You’ve got a Terminator on your case. This is not good news at all.
First things first. It helps if you are female and in possession of two kickass x chromosomes. I don’t know why this is, but the two matching 23rd strands of DNA are invaluable. If you can’t manage this genetic engineering, just change your name to Michael Biehn. It will afford you some degree of protection.
Now you have two x chromosomes. They need to work really well, because I’m afraid you need to be as hot as Hades. Linda Hamilton, despite the big hair and being ripped, a look I do not generally admire, was hot. Clare Danes was, I have to say, as fit as a butcher’s dog. She still is, as it happens. It all helps you to avoid being terminated, believe me. But do not dress like a slut. If a naked woman walks up to you and says ‘I like your clothes’ it’s going to end in tears. She gets the Lexus as well. Just not your night, is it?
Now you need some backup. A crazy Mexican helps. Preferably a crazy Mexican with a good line in moonshine, a load of tattoos, and an underground store of heavy weaponry. What did you say just then? You don’t have any tattooed crazy Mexican friends with a taste for mayhem? Get yourself sorted out will you please? You’re not taking this seriously. I’m trying to help, and you aren’t thinking hard enough about your problems.
Lastly, you need to be a real dirty fighter. You’re not? Get yourself signed up for some self assertiveness/unarmed combat courses. Just do it.
If you have a y chromosome, I’m sorry, but you are royally screwed. Times are going to be hard for you. If your name is John Connor, think about a deed poll right now and get your name down for a witness protection programme.
Next week we’ll consider how not to be killed by an alien. Believe it or not I do have first hand experience of this.