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I have advised you on not being killed by polar bears, zombies, vampires, jellyfish, crocodiles, sharks, and sundry other threats to navigation. You may well think that none of these tips is particularly relevant to the modern urban warrior. You may well be right.
So some immediacy is in order here. Some right here right now guidance. What’s going to keep you alive and kicking while you man the barricades and rip the pins out of grenades with your teeth like that nutter with the bad hair who’s running North Korea just now. You’ve got a Terminator on your case. This is not good news at all.
First things first. It helps if you are female and in possession of two kickass x chromosomes. I don’t know why this is, but the two matching 23rd strands of DNA are invaluable. If you can’t manage this genetic engineering, just change your name to Michael Biehn. It will afford you some degree of protection.
Now you have two x chromosomes. They need to work really well, because I’m afraid you need to be as hot as Hades. Linda Hamilton, despite the big hair and being ripped, a look I do not generally admire, was hot. Clare Danes was, I have to say, as fit as a butcher’s dog. She still is, as it happens. It all helps you to avoid being terminated, believe me. But do not dress like a slut. If a naked woman walks up to you and says ‘I like your clothes’ it’s going to end in tears. She gets the Lexus as well. Just not your night, is it?
Now you need some backup. A crazy Mexican helps. Preferably a crazy Mexican with a good line in moonshine, a load of tattoos, and an underground store of heavy weaponry. What did you say just then? You don’t have any tattooed crazy Mexican friends with a taste for mayhem? Get yourself sorted out will you please? You’re not taking this seriously. I’m trying to help, and you aren’t thinking hard enough about your problems.
Lastly, you need to be a real dirty fighter. You’re not? Get yourself signed up for some self assertiveness/unarmed combat courses. Just do it.
If you have a y chromosome, I’m sorry, but you are royally screwed. Times are going to be hard for you. If your name is John Connor, think about a deed poll right now and get your name down for a witness protection programme.
Next week we’ll consider how not to be killed by an alien. Believe it or not I do have first hand experience of this.
As I was reading this, I was thinking “What we really need is how not to be killed by aliens. Them buggers are always stalking and they are all over my house” Then you put it in as the last line.
I do like this – and your other – How not to be killeds 🙂
Cheers mateyboy. They do seem to be popular
😀
Well they are fun 🙂
I still get occasional comments about How not to get kiled in Montreal, which is where it all started
😆 You need one for “How not to get killed in London”
How to not be killed in London
Don’t go there
London’s a cakewalk compared with Harlow.
Liked this post and I think women do kick ass! hahaha but men are great too!
Glad you liied it. For some reason the survival guides are really popular, so I’m milking the audience.
😉
Charming way to start the morning.
Now if I can only ‘wake’ up.
Have you any tea and biscuits?
Except for that rather large pond in the way…guess I really am off to market. Might just stop at the (Oh pardon, but it really is the name of the coffee shop) Dunkin’ Doughnuts on the way…
Fear not Jules, I’ve heard every dunkin joke there is.
Watch out for the woman in the red leather suit, and keep a tight hold on your car keys.
Food for brain 😉
You can’t be too careful these days.
😉
100% agreed!
NRM,
It is awfully sporting of you to level the playing field somewhat by sharing these “tips” with your readers……
Whatever you do, don’t let on that you actually are an Alien and you can totally lull them into a false sense of security with your decoy strategies. When the killing starts it will be fun seeing folks doing all these useless manouvers before they are zapped.
RidicuRyder
Damn! Ya MADE me!