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I was punting about in Great Dunmow, and saw some very puzzling advertisements in various shop windows. Here’s one.

‘Breakthrough Tri-Zone© Technology’

I’m a sucker for technological advances. I love them. Naturally I was intrigued. ‘TriZone.’ That sounded packed with mystery and high science. It really did. I looked more closely. Know what it was banging on about? Curling tongs, or whatever they call them now. And there was me thinking the technology for these things had been established since at least Victorian times. It just shows how wrong you can be, doesn’t it? Breakthrough Technology has now been applied to the noble tonsorial arts. Oh brave new world that has such people in it!

‘Collectable Spice Girls postcards, 59p each’

I was a bit short of cash so I said I’d take 100 of them. Imagine my surprise when the shop assistant asked me for 59 quid. Surely some mistake? The Spice Girls reached their zenith in what? 1997? 1998? Many years ago, anyway. I just assumed I’d be paid for taking a load of tat off the shopkeeper’s hands. Alas, no. I left the shop disillusioned and empty handed, if not exactly bereft.

‘Prone to laminitis?’

Not that I was aware, but you never know do you? I like to keep abreast of all the latest health scares, but I hadn’t picked this up in the Daily Mail or the Express. I should have paid closer attention to the Equine Veterinary Journal. Even that didn’t help much so I turned to the admirable Robert A Eustace, FRCVS, for some much needed clarification.

Laminitis is a disease associated with ischaemia of digital dermal tissues, it is not primarily an inflammatory disease; hence laminitis is a misnomer. The bond between the dermal and epidermal laminae (the inter-laminar bond) is the only means of support of the distal phalanx within the hoof. If sufficient inter-laminar bonds are destroyed the animal becomes foundered ie; the pedal bone moves distally within the hoof.

‘A sinker is an animal whose foot has suffered complete destruction of the inter-laminar bonding and the pedal bone is totally loose within the hoof.’

Thank you for that, Mr Eustace. But it doesn’t seem to apply to me, so no, I’m not prone to it. I really need to stop looking in the window of feed merchants before I become a hypochondriac.

Here’s another.

‘Junior wanted. Must have experience.’

Isn’t the whole point of a junior to be an inexperienced starter? Isn’t that how it works? Or perhaps it’s such an attractive job it’s a must have experience. Irresistible in that case. I think I’ll apply.

Here’s something else I fancy a go at, seen on the ads board in the Co-Op

‘Pole Dancing Fitness Classes’ I can’t see any reason I shouldn’t participate. It’s an all body workout, apparently. I’m looking forward to this. I’ll be fit, trim, and flexible in a matter of weeks. Cool.

One last one, and I think this is full of intrigue.

‘For Sale Wedding dress. Ivory silk. Size 10. Worn once.’

This is a pleasing advertisement on a number of levels, don’t you think? Ivory. So the woman was not exactly chaste, know what I mean? Good on her. Size 10. That’s nice too. We know some more about her. Worn once. Huzzah! She got to wear it! No stood up at the altar for her.

It would be tragic if it had said Never worn. Do you not think so?