Somewhere in the ether the other day I stumbled upon somebody asking the following question. ‘Is it ever OK to dump someone by txt?’ I think you all know me well enough by now to realise I’m almost incapable of leaving well alone. Be reasonable, it’s irresistible, isn’t it? I mean, if you don’t want opinions, don’t ask, right?
I nailed my colours to the mast immediately. I’ll tell you at the end what my view was. No, I’ll tell you now. I said, unequivocally, ‘No.’ I hope that comes as no surprise to my loyal urban warrior collective. It’s simply wrong, isn’t it? Just to add a bit of fuel to the flames, because I’m a little tinker like that, I said it was not only ill mannered but cowardly, and hinted at lax morals. Then I sat back to watch the fun.
The discussion lit up like a particularly lively night on the Somme. This was looking good. As you may imagine, attitudes were extremely polarised. I like that. It gives you something to get your teeth into, doesn’t it? It’s not much fun when people sit on fences. But something very odd happened. I thought it was odd anyway.
The overwhelming opinion was that yes, it is OK. That’s disturbing enough. But here’s the real surprise. It was women who were saying yes. Every single one of the pro camp was a woman. Every single one. This had two effects. The first was that I was badly wrong footed. I expected better from members of the human race carrying two x chromosomes. I was clearly naïve here. Secondly, it put me at a huge numerical disadvantage, since for most of the ensuing firefight I was the only set of y chromosomes on the field of battle. Most of the rest were on R and R in a bar in Bangkok or somewhere equally disreputable. I was dodging incoming while they were watching some extraordinary things being done with ping pong balls and a banana.
That left me pretty much alone, firing my verbal M16 one handed while ripping the pins out of etiquette grenades with my teeth. I wasn’t going down without a scrap on this one. Then the Txt Cong made a ceasefire possible. I don’t know if this was a tactical error. I intercepted a message from the other side. ‘I didn’t have much option. He hadn’t been in contact for three weeks.’
That made me rather sad, I must admit, but did I accept the flag of truce? Well what do you think? Of course I didn’t. ‘I’m sorry that happened but you need to realise you didn’t dump him. He dumped you. Sending him a text simply as an act of revenge won’t change that.’ The firing increased in intensity to the level of carpet bombing.
Then my natural diplomacy (ahem) came into play, and I opened negotiations. ‘I’m surprised you even bothered responding to someone who acted so badly. You were well out of it.’
Things went All Quiet On The Western Front.
So come on, all my homies here. What do you think? Is it ever acceptable to dump by txt?
nobodysreadingme 
Nope, not ever. It’s a sissy move.
I agree. I was shocked that anyone thought otherwise
Nope, never is, cowardly and callous.
I would be interested to know if these things purporting to be female – we naturally endowed with supposed warmth and compassion :o] – although deeming it okay to dump by text, think it okay to be dumped (themselves) by text. Would like to bet their views differ then.
Anna :o]
I suspect that you’re right. jeepers, what’s wrong with a well thought out letter?
Exactly! (But always considered that a bit cowardly too…)
Yeah, maye. But it beats the hell out of a text message in terms of etiquette
I can see the temptation as to why. People, well some people don’t like confrontation.. but if you are dumping someone then you need to grow a pair and not do it by text.
Yep. No argument from me
I wrote a recent post entitled “Moral Dilemma” about finding a good friend’s man of many years on an online dating site. I asked do you tell her? Anyway, hate to say it, but men said leave it alone. Only one was brave enough to leave that comment on my blog. Some said it might come back and bite you or smack you… I would never break up with someone in a text. But, I am kind of dramatic, say my peace, leave the house and slam the door, type of gal! Thanks for this interesting question, I am sure you will get a lively discussion out of it!
Yikes that’s a tricky one. I have to say I’m in the keep quiet camp. I know just how much damage can be done. I’m not saying this guy is innocent, and if he isn’t innocent then he’s a scoundrel. Bit I have bitter experience of hwat happens. http://wp.me/p2C8Zz-p7
Or you could of course just approach him and tell him to stop being a wanker or you WILL tell your friend. that might work
lI chose the cowards way out with the Smurf a couple of weeks ago. I texted her to ask if she was awake. She said was, so I took a couple of deep breaths and phoned her. I would never dump anyone by text. I’ve been dumped by text and know just how hurtful and nasty it is. I could never do that to anyone
Smurf?
anyway I think I get the drift. Good for you
I called her the Smurf because she was 5′ tall. She told me her name was one thing, then she told me it was something else, and then we went somewhere and she signed in with yet another name. I have no idea what her real name is, so I call her the Smurf
My ex wife was only 4’11”. Call her Smurf at your own peril!
Haha .. I never called her it to her face. I never knew what to call her.
Mr Bond?
Annabelle Rose
Tracy Gibson
Tracey Doddins.
I suppose calling her TAT hehe
You certainly know how to provoke a debate, even if it was in response to a question! 😀 In principle I would say it is never acceptable to end a relationship by text.
However, there may be some sound reasons for many women believing it to be a good option. First would be the risk of a physical confrontation, some men just don’t handle the idea of being dumped too well and can and do react badly and do stupid things – not something you or I might resort too, but some men do.
The second reason would be fear of being manipulated into going back on a decision that they have reached away from the person being dumped – this could equally apply to men too, as I have known both men and women who met to end a relationship only to be persuaded out of a perfectly sound decision by emotional manipulation. That led to an extended relationship that eventually ended very badly.
So, I wouldn’t dump anyone by text or want to be dumped by text, but then I don’t fear having my mind changed once I have reached a decision and I wouldn’t resort to physical violence or manipulation to maintain a relationship that the other person wanted out of. Unfortunately, not everyone handles that sort of situation with reasoned debate or can withstand the onslaught of a manipulative and controlling person.
If the dumper feels the need for physical separartion, a phone call is acceptable, or even a well written letter. But a text? Oh dearie me, no. Emotional manipulation? Just as likely to happen by phone or email as it is during the course of a physical meeting.
Well I must concede you make some good points in response to my thoughts – there are several good alternatives to a text. On reflection I went too far in attempting to understand why the women who thought a text acceptable might justify that view.
A well written letter I can relate to, but I fear that for many it is now something from the past and unknown to most!
My initial opinion is “of course not!” and after through reading the comments above I stick to that, although I do take the point that if the person is worried about the confrontation you could go with a phone call or a letter as an alternative. But texts are just too brief and harsh for such a statement.
I found it odd how many women thought this was acceptable behaviour, while men mainly said ‘No!’