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Some important guidance for the more sartorially inclined of my urban warrior following. If dreads and cargo pants aren’t for you, then here’s some alternatives. Curiously all the suggestions were to be found on some idiot walking near the Doctor’s Pond last week.

Let’s start at the top. Shaved sides and back of the head can work. But not in your case, with the ridiculous, curly, oiled sideways quiff.

That beard? It didn’t look good on Rasputin, and he had charisma by the bucketload. You, on the other hand, do not have charisma by the bucketload.

The shorty tight fitting hacking jacket. That’s quite a lairy houndstooth isn’t it? Are you a Bavavrian count on his way back to the schloss after a hard day hunting wild boar? No, I didn’t think so, but it’s polite to ask.

Black drainpipe jeans with the 4” contrasting turnups. You really need a Ford Model A with a V8 shoved in it to make those stick.

Lastly, the shoes. Now it might be that on a woman, pointy toed purple velvet court shoes can look elegant. Pretty even. But on you? With no socks? Even with socks would be bad, but without.

This is the sort of outfit that would have you chucked out of The X Factor. In the middle of summer in Great Dunmow, it’s indefensible. Go home and break out the combat trousers and DMs. And lose that f***** beard!

I’m at a loss as to understand why his mum let him out looking like that. I’m pretty sure he lives with his mum, because I can’t see any other woman, or man for that matter, letting him within a 10 mile exclusion zone. Or maybe that’s the thinking, a way of his mum repelling boarders. ‘Nobody will ever be good enough for my little boy, so let’s make sure it never arises.’

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