Not a very nice start to your day, but I had a not very nice middle to my day on Wednesday, and I see no reason to suffer alone.

On Wednesday morning, I was a smoothie virgin. I understood the idea. Lots of fruit, all smashed up and blended into a delicious and nutritious drink, a scrumptious way to five a day. As I say, I’d never had one, but there was a special offer on at the Co-Op, and in the interests of the furtherance of science, and my own experience base, I decided to try one.

So much choice, so little time. Which brand? What fruits? I finally alighted on the brand ‘Innocent,’ which sounds nice and wholesome and ecofriendly, though I wouldn’t bet the bank on the latter. It’s a good solid brand name though. Hats off to whoever came up with that.

Now, which variety should I choose? I was overwhelmed with choice. I eliminated in my head anything to do with passion fruit, because I’m not that keen on them. Seems vaguely sacrilegious to mash up strawberries, or the king of soft fruit, raspberries. I was thirsty, so eliminated the orange based ones; orange juice isn’t very thirst quenching, I find.

Eventually I had it nailed. Kiwi, apple, and lime. I like kiwis (or Chinese gooseberries as I called them when I was a child,) hard to imagine you can make a nonsense of apples, and lime has that zesty tang and lively flavour, so much more interesting than lemon.

The ingredients listed the requisite fruit, plus, and I quote, ‘A dash of spinach and nettle extract.’ Hmmm, not sure about that.

The appearance was mildly off-putting too, although the avocado shade was unpleasant in itself. Just, well, not the colour of something I would ordinarily drink. I girded up my loins, and pressed on.

The aroma was very tempting, I have to say. Appley, slight hint of lime, a pleasingly ‘green’ smell. It smelt like something that would be good for you. I dipped my finger in the neck of the bottle, and touched some of the drink to my tongue. Hot damn! Not bad! Not bad at all! Yummy!

This is where it gets unpleasant, and if you have a weak stomach, or morning sickness, you may want to stop now.

I took a good pull at the drink. Gawdelpus! The texture! Just what were they thinking of? I got the impression you had to drink the whole lot at once, because if you tried to stop what you’d swallowed would just drag the rest after it like the contents of a spittoon. Foul beyond belief. You know the weird child at school who used to eat the paste? Well, that was me, and I’d rather tackle the texture of paste than that of a smoothie.

Bloody hell, never again.