I was browsing my statistics the other day, and found I’m now getting a lot of referrals via search engines. This is good news, since it means all my hard work is paying off. But the search terms that find me puzzle me at two levels. Firstly, the terms themselves are often bizarre in the extreme. Secondly, with many of them I have no idea what post they ended up landing on. Some examples are below. I may have to pursue this further to be frank. It’s really good fun.

Please note the numbering is not an accurate reflection of the position in the league tables, but simply indicates the order in which these terms cropped up. There are many more between them, but I understand those, or don’t find them funny.

  1. I saw a flower Since this is the subject of my most read post, about rendering ‘I saw a flower’ in different musical genres, not a big surprise.
  2. bottom jokes Another one that is no surprise. Even the erudite and sophisticated audience that comprises my nobodysreaders is prone to giggle at bottom and fart jokes.
  3. death by hippopotamus I know where the searcher ended up, but who apart from me has the faintest interest in writing about killer hippos? I think whoever it was needs to get out a bit more myself.
  4. dodgy statistics I’m the man for the job here. There must be at least ten posts that this would have led to, including my one about people called Patel being fluent in Polish.
  5. jokes about whiplash I know where they ended up, since Whiplash is an oft-mentioned character, being as she is both my amanuensis and my nemesis, as well as being a great friend. But why search for jokes about whiplash? Beats me. Haha! Did you see what I did there?
  6. chav handcuffed There’s the occasional mention of a chav, but I have no recollection of any handcuffs being involved. I tried to duplicate this search and end up on my blog, and failed.
  7. david niven motor car I ran a Search here on my blog itself. I’ve never mentioned David Niven, strangely. I did post last March about ‘How not to market a motor car,’ but that’s it. No Niven connection at all.
  8.  rick turner the big sheep I think this may have taken the searcher to ‘The Last Drop’ which was a Philip Marlowe mashup, so maybe it was a Big Sleep search. Or maybe not. Maybe Rick Turner, whoever he may be, has a thing for big sheep. We’ll never know, I’m afraid.
  9.  metallurgist larry blackman This has to have led to my contention that the red leather codpiece popularised by Cameo’s Larry Blackman would be suitable wear for an important job interview. Maybe this guy had an interview at a metal refining company and wanted to know what the well dressed metallurgist was wearing these days.
  10. charlie authaus Now this is just plain odd. When I invented Rick, and hence Charlie, I could find no Google reference at all to ‘Authaus’ being a genuine surname. I merely invented it for comic purposes. It doesn’t exist. So who the hell is looking for Charlie Authaus? She doesn’t exist either. And this was well before the novel went online on Wattpad. Very rum, that one.
  11. positron shakes dragons den This has to be leading to Marc Zimmerframe and his pitch for funding for the Large Hadron Collider, but the dragons den connection? Search me.
  12. prolapse sheena An odd juxtaposition, is it not? Sheena will take you to my post ‘Music therapy for our convalescents,’ and prolapse will find you my post about Highland Games, and another about my being too tall for my height, but not both together.
  13. blood in stool guinness I know where this questioner was coming from, but I’m buggered if I know how he or she ended up here. Curious, Captain.
  14. y’all go on now ya hear silence of the lambs I know where the searcher may well have ended up, but again haven’t the foggiest idea what the search terms were supposed to produce. A redneck Hannibal Lecter one assumes.
  15. a poem about control pants This certainly took the searcher to my post about not being a dork if you’re a woman, but why anybody would search for a poem about control pants escapes me.
  16. can you get projectile vomiting from tequila Yes you can, and yes I wrote about it in ‘Tequila Sunrise.’ This sits alongside the ‘blood in stool guinness’ enquiry I reckon.
  17. simple stupid haikus I was a bit hurt that this query got a hit on nobodysreadingme. It has to have led to ‘The Haikus of Lee Roy Fuckwit,’ which were silly rather than stupid, and not at all simple to get right in terms of content or expression. I hate this person.
  18. collective noun for koala bears I know where this went too, and that’s fine. I made the same query myself before writing the blogpost, so I understand the thinking here.
  19. finchingfield chicken tearoom This had to lead to ‘Bunfight at the OK tearooms,’ chapter 3 of ‘Charlie and Me.’ No chickens in it, alas for the enquirer, but there are several later mentions of peacocks.
  20. guy was rubbing me northern line train This is self explanatory as a query, but how the hell did it lead to my blog? As far as I’m aware I have eschewed discussing frotteurs and frotting, though I may have mentioned the Northern Line I suppose.