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Somebody was asking me about this the other day, saying they’d missed it. That’s a bit odd given that its popularity is outstripped only by I saw a flower, but anyway, here it is again.

So how to avoid being killed by a polar bear. One obvious way is not to go to the zoo when you’re off your face on magic mushrooms, or E for that matter, and think it would be, like, really cool, to just like, you know, climb into the polar bear’s enclosure, and just, like, commune with them. This is a thoroughly bad idea on all levels. Just say no.

Also avoid going to the Arctic. That’s where they live. Indeed it’s called the Arctic because of them. The Greek word arctos means a bear, and hence the Arctic is where you can find bears. There’s a big clue in the name.

You won’t find them in the Antarctic. I’ll leave you to figure out the derivation there.

If however you should end up in the Arctic and encounter a polar bear, you’re in deep trouble. They’re big, fast, strong, and have an attitude problem. They’re the pub lout that you avoid talking to in case he gets the hump and smacks you one, but they don’t stop at smacking.

They also have halitosis that can strip paint.

So I’m afraid you’re going to have to shoot it. With something with a very large bore. Keep firing till the bear stops attempting to get back at you and rip off your limbs. Then a head shot, maybe two if you’re Victoria Wright, just to make sure. You really can’t be too careful around these suckers.

You now have a different problem. What do you do with the body? Disposing of a dead polar bear is not something you’ve had to do before, is it? You just don’t have this problem when you live in Esher.

Maybe just leave it? You could do that. But it  might strike you as a wasteful thing to do. Why not eat it? You’d be able to feed a family of four for under a fiver, and the rest can go in the freezer, which of course you don’t need, since it’s -30 outside. When you’ve finished eating, you can make a nice warm coat as well. You’re quids in, aren’t you?

So you fire up the barbie, using whale oil or seal blubber to get things going. Stay upwind. Seal blubber smells bloody awful when it burns. Then it may occur to you that what you really fancy is a nice bit of liver, maybe pan fried with some onions.

Do not give way to temptation. The polar bear will come back from the dead and kill you. About the only thing more toxic than polar bear liver is tequila, which if it doesn’t kill you will make you wish it had when you wake up. See


if you doubt my word.

There are two reasons why polar bear liver is toxic. Firstly it’s crammed full of sequestered vitamin A, retinol. I do mean crammed. A polar bear liver will give you about 8000 times the RDA for this vitamin. This will give you angular chelosis, and your skin will exfoliate and fall off. Those are the least of your worries, to be honest, because then you’ll go blind, and then you will die.

I’ll bet you’re having second thoughts about the vitamin supplements you take on a daily basis, aren’t you? Be honest. You are having a few qualms, aren’t you?

Second thing, as if the first isn’t bad enough. If you survive the hypervitaminosis A, you’re going to be very ill indeed from heavy metal poisoning. There’s a good likelihood that this will carry you off. Polar bear liver also sequesters huge quantities of cadmium, among other things, and cadmium is seriously bad news. It will kill you. The symptoms of cadmium poisoning are very similar to those of vitamin A poisoning, so it’s a bit of a double whammy. You are royally screwed, my friends.

So there you have it. Some very useful advice for Miss Whiplash next time she goes for a quiet Sunday stroll around Bocking. Ellie Hendren might think twice before embarking on an exploration of the swinging downtown area of Maidstone too.