I recently was sauntering back to where I live, and this involves walking past some rather charming early Victorian cottages. They are very nice indeed; I’d love to live in one of them. But there’s one that I’d try to avoid living next to. The windows are full of healing crystals and bloody dreamcatchers and suchlike, so from my point of view this is a nest of borderline lunatics. You just know the house will be full of the scent of healing herb candles. I’m sure you know what I mean.

They do like cats there though, so they can’t be all bad, can they? Cats are cool. They just are. But I had some very grave doubts about a book I saw propped up on the windowsill. The title made me a bit twitchy. Ten Spiritual Lessons You Can Learn From Your Cat.

What on earth? Cats don’t do spiritual very well, and I know as an avid admirer of Felix domesticus. Cats have only three thought processes. They do not ponder the mysteries of the universe. They can’t be arsed. Here are the three things a cat has in what passes for its mind.

  1. I’m hungry
  2. I’m pissed off
  3. I’m sleepy

They are occasionally interested in sex, but that’s about as far as a cat’s spiritual life goes.

I wish I’d written this book. I really do. A nice little earner as a Christmas stocking filler. Impossible to take seriously.