I could rename this ‘How to get the right ally to be a killer online combat gamer.’

You need to think outside the box a bit. Blue sky will do you no harm. Have an idea that flies in the face of reason.

I do not understand online shoot’em’ups. I just don’t get the point. But I’ll tell you who I’d have on my squad, given the choice. My cat Snotbag.

Cats are brilliant, because they don’t aim to impress, they aim to kill. They’re psychopathic, brutally relentless, they have Freddie Kreuger claws, and most animals in the known universe go ‘Shit! Where did that cat come from? Now we’re in deep deep trouble. We are buggered.’ Look at Jones in the ‘Alien’ films. Scarey.

No cat ever went down without a fight, and a serious one. If you didn’t see my post of Felix domesticus knocking seven shades of shit out of a four foot alligator, you really have not lived. A four footer weighs into the ring at about 15 lbs. Little Tiddles comes in at about, you know, 3 or 4…… Even a porker cat weighs under 12 lbs.

This makes them ideal companions for online slaughter. They are deeply seated instinctive killers, they have no fear, and as I have said before they have a very bad attitude, and I have read that weight for weight they are the most ferocious predators in the world.

They are hampered a bit though. No thumbs. The gamepad is a nightmare. They can’t hit the ‘Nuke them all button.’ But for sheer dogged determination, vindictiveness, bad attitude, and a killer’s instinct, I’d have a moggie on my side.