In the run up to Christmas there have been some hysterically funny blogged lists of Christmas Wishes. Many of them were by women, and told of the wishes for men not to act like dorks.
Well, listen up all of you with two x chromosomes. It’s payback time. I’m not sure there’s a feminine gender term such as dorkette, but I reckon dork is an equal opportunities employer. Here’s a few things you can do to avoid being a female dork. Not all are Yuletide related. It’s a slight modification of something I did last year, but I don’t think that matters, since so many of you have only joined me this year.
You think men in Christmas socks and/or cartoon character ties look dumb, don’t you? Well, you know your green tights with the snowmen printed on them…
Just because I gave you a peck on the cheek under the mistletoe, it doesn’t mean I’ve declared undying affection for you. Please stop clogging up my Inbox with salacious and sexually explicit emails.
If I plucked up the nerve to ask you out on a date, don’t spend three hours banging on about equality for women then expect me to pick up the tab for dinner. At least offer to go Dutch.
Do not turn up for a dinner date, tell me you’ve already eaten and are stuffed, then pick at a lettuce leaf.
And do not then steal my fries.
I really don’t care that you can do 300 reps on some piece of equipment in the gym. I don’t know what a rep is, and frankly I couldn’t care less.
Do not ask me, ever, if this dress makes your arse look fat. It will end in tears. If I say no you’ll yell at me ‘You’re just saying that. I hate it when you lie to me!’ If I say yes… Oh dearie me.
If you happen to get a bit temperamental when your hormones are acting up, fine. Tell me. Do not attack me with a breadknife or tear my favourite shirt into rags.
If you want me to be empathic, I’ll do my best. But if I say ‘I know exactly what you mean,’ do not fly off the handle and accuse me of being a control freak out to ordain what you think.
Having a y chromosome does not make it my job to get spiders out of the bath.
Yes, as it happens, I am better at parking than you are.
I may get a bit tetchy if we go clothes shopping and after five hours you go back to the first shop we went in and buy the first dress you tried on.
Yes, I acknowledge that long johns are a turn off. So are your control pants.
If you think some foodstuff smells or tastes off, I’ll believe you. I do not want to smell or taste it to confirm your suspicions.
Do not ambush me by suddenly jumping in front of me, spreading your arms, and shouting ‘Well?’ What do you think?’ You’ll only get upset when I tell you I like your new gasmask.
Do not boil my rabbit. It’s done nothing to harm you.