This is an old post that dates back to when nobody was reading me. I thought it deserved another outing.
Quite an eventful Saturday night for me. I was exposed to four revelations about myself, things about which I had no previous insight.
Firstly, apparently I’m a passive/aggressive. This definitely surprised me. I’d always thought I was an Aries. I’d heard the term, and was pretty sure I knew what it meant, but since even my therapists have never accused me of this I thought I’d better check. Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behaviour. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. Hmmm, doesn’t sound like me at all. I can yell at people with the best of them. If I think someone’s talking bollocks I let them know. So I did.Apparently then I’m being actively aggressive. Bit of a no-win.
Secondly, I’m unable to face deep emotion and make fun of it to deflect it. Not guilty. I use humour as a way of exploring how I’m feeling, knowing how it is. I tried to explain this, but it cut no ice. Hey ho. Clearly this person knows more about me than I do. It’s possible.
Thirdly, I’m an attention seeker. The prompt for this was that after my marathon writing session on Saturday, I was tired, and a bit wary of reaction to my post about girlfriends, and saddened by some of the stuff I’d had to dredge up. Of course I avoid deep emotion (see above), so that can’t have been a reason I was feeling a bit subdued, can it? I decided to go somewhere warm and cheerful, where I could meet people if I wanted to. So I went to my local. I was quietly minding my own business when someone said ‘You don’t look too bright. Are you all right?’ ‘He’s just attention seeking,’ said another. Silly of me not to have realised. I can be thick sometimes. I still said no, I’m just not feeling too good about things just at the moment. That cut no ice either.
Fourth, I blog because I can’t interact with people face to face. Do novelists write because they can’t do face to face communication? That didn’t work as an argument. I never post anything I haven’t discussed before; a lot of my best ideas come from talking to people. Nope, no dice. There’s also an internal contradiction here, and you don’t have to think too hard about it. I’ve just spent the best part of half an hour, face to face with my accuser, openly discussing whether I’m passive/aggressive, explaining that my emotional life is quite deep but I don’t have to justify it to anyone, and it’s not attention seeking to be honest about feeling depressed. You want me to be honest about my emotions don’t you? Then you don’t like it, or won’t listen when I do. I got a bit frustrated, and said, ‘Look, if you want to talk psychobabble I can do it all night. But enough about me. Let’s talk about you.’ ‘Now you’re being aggressive again. And avoiding.’ Silly me, missed that too.
So here I am, a curmudgeonly, passively aggressive, fluffy, emotionally retarded, flirtatious, attention seeking man with an inability to handle face to face communication. That’s quite a balancing act I perform.