Some celebrities are just a right royal pain in the arse, and a few of us were discussing our personal irritants the other day, trying to come up with the top pains. To make it a bit more difficult, we eliminated Kanye West and the arse-enhanced brat Kim Kardashian. We thought we’d be there all day if we got onto them. For similar reasons we eliminated poptarts such as Nicki Minaj, Miley Cyrus, and Meghan Trainor. We knocked Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan on the head too, and in general any socialite spotted getting out of a limo with no underwear.

This narrowed the field down considerably, and we continued whittling away. We slung out the entire Cabinet, most Tory politicians (except that loony advocating the health benefits of astrology last week), then went on to eliminate the Labour Party in general, and the Royal Family. We didn’t want to be shooting fish in a barrel, and given the sun will burn out in about seven billion years we’d run short of time. We therefore knuckled down.

My nomination for Most Irritating Prat In The Known Universe was no less a person than Gok Wan. Non-Brits may be unaware of this oleaginous little git, and I suggest that if you don’t know of him you keep it that way and reduce the possibility of hurling a brick at your television. I personally would like to grab him by the throat and punch him repeatedly until he repented sincerely for his crimes against humanity. This would probably involve destroying his ridiculous posey spectacles, his odious 9,000,000 candlepower smile, and his gravestone sized teeth, but so be it. This man is a self-styled fashion guru who felt it incumbent upon himself to give attention-seeking women fashion tips, and to do this he had a show called ‘How to look good naked.’ Why women fell in with this charlatan is anybody’s guess. He wears cardigans for goodness sake. Latterly he’s made a reappearance endorsing one of those probiotic yogurts that don’t work but cost a lot. Why he thinks he’s a dietician is anybody’s guess. And anyone who has sent 17,900 tweets and over 1181 photos and videos on Twitter has got his head firmly wedged up his arse.

The next victim of our opprobrium is mildly odd, because he’s not a real person. The UK is plagued by a comedian called Keith Lemon, who in real life is a man called Leigh Francis. Keith Lemon is not a comedian, he’s an irritating toerag with bad hair, an indefensible Magnum PI moustache, and one of those accents that I refer to as ‘professional northern.’ He really is staggeringly unfunny, and I’ve only ever seen him briefly while channel hopping. My friend Kev apparently subjected himself to a lengthier exposure, and would willingly smack Keith/Leigh round the back of the head with a frying pan, Tom and Jerry style.

I shall now throw the floor open for suggestions. However tempted you may be, don’t say that I am the most irritating person in the world or I shall be forced to remove the comment.

STOP PRESS I have been asked to add Katie Hopkins. I had no idea who she was, but thanks to the miracle that is the internet I now have some insight. She’s a bootfaced old trout who slags off the rest of the world. A friend has suggested that a stand up row between Ms Hopkins and myself would be fun…