Two happy stories in the Times on Wednesday. It’s not a paper I usually read, but somebody had nicked the i. Half of page 3 is dedicated to a photograph and article about a weasel attempting to kill and eat a green woodpecker. This proved to be a tactical error, since the woodpecker was considerably bigger than the weasel and simply took flight with the weasel clinging on to its back. Weasels are nasty little buggers, and I do mean little, since a woodpecker is only about 21 cm in length, and this misguided weasel was about half that if the photograph is to be believed. You have to admire its pluckiness while laughing at its stupidity. Because they are so small, weasels lose heat rapidly, and need to eat what you might think is a disproportionate to its size. (In the avian world, humming birds have a really fast metabolism and have to eat almost continuously.)

Anyway the woodpecker took a pretty dim view of things, and after landing on the ground took off again, and the weasel fell off. It’s worth pointing out this happened in Hornchurch, an area of east London where most of the weasels wear shell suits and fake Burberry.

We now turn to the mysterious case of the housebreaking bovines. Ms Pat Costen, who lives on Guernsey, noticed a strange smell in her home. Investigation quickly revealed some strange prints on the carpet leading from the stairs to the TV room, where Ms Costen found two Guernsey calves. I like to imagine they’d popped in to watch Emmerdale, but there’s no confirmation of this.

Ms Costen knew the calves well, since they are kept by her as pets, normally resident in her yard. ‘I knew they could open the door, but I forgot to lock it,’ which negligence I’ll warrant she’ll not repeat. One of the more charming aspects of this already charming story is that the calves are called Five and Six. All together now. Awwwwwww.

Mildly interesting fact. Green woodpeckers usually eat ants and very rarely drum on tress. Why they are called woodpeckers is a bit of a conundrum. You’d think that pecking wood is a sine qua non for a woodpecker