This was prompted by a howlingly funny Facebook post on Thursday about the things about Brits that puzzle Americans. In the interests of balance and fair play, I thought it only right I should return the favour and take a sideswipe at the transatlanteans. Keep your arms inside the car at all times.

  1. Explain to me the pickup truck thing. The vast majority of people in the US live in cities, yet Ford sells an F150 pickup every 30 seconds. I find it hard to believe that even Lee Roy Fuckwit and his pals wreck them at that rate.
  2. Jello salad. That’s just plain wrong, isn’t it?
  3. Americans are quite obsessive about safety, hence the rather bizarre warning on takeaway coffee containers that the contents may be hot (no kidding?), and cautionary notices not to use the top of the fridge to stand on. So why isn’t it compulsory to wear a crash helmet on a motorbike?
  4. On the subject of safety, may I just mention gun laws? No comment, just a mention. Oh, and the political clout of the NRA. We don’t understand either over here.
  5. 32 oz steaks.
  6. Do you think it makes sense for nearly the whole population of California to live on one of the biggest geological faults in the world?
  7. Why nobody has firebombed Westboro Baptist Church is a puzzler. Mind you, it did manage to unite the police and fire services, the Teamsters, and a bunch of students, and that was a positive result, I felt.
  8. The 55 mph speed limit. Discuss. And explain why Montana allows you to go as fast as you like.
  9. A US gallon is only 6.6 Imperial pints. This is because a US pint is only 16 fluid ounces, as opposed to an Imperial pint being 20 fluid ounces. When we go to the US and order a pint we think we’re getting short measures. It may however explain the inability of the average Yank to drink more than two pints here in Blighty without falling over and having a crashing hangover next day. That is puzzling.
  10. Americans are quite happy with place names such as Punxatawnie, but struggle with Leicester, Bicester, Worcester, Hereford, Hertford…
  11. It’s aluminium not aloominum
  12. The word analyse is derived from the Greek word lysis, meaning to split or divide. So why spell it with a z?
  13. I realise that GB is quite small compared with the US. Texas is not far off three times the size of the UK. Why, though, does that make Americans think I might know their cousin who lives about 300 miles away?
  14. 110v power supplies. Transmission losses are higher with lower voltages, so why not adopt the European 240v standard?
  15. In the summer you have the aircon so high mist comes out of the air vents in your house. In the depths of winter, you sit around inside in your vest and shorts.
  16. On the subject of winter, why are so many current Facebook posts about the snow? It gets very cold in the US in winter. Has done for many, many years. Is it really that much of a surprise? Even goldfish can learn by experience.
  17. Hooters restaurants. These failed dismally over here, because we just don’t get the concept.
  18. Why can’t Americans make tea?
  19. Las Vegas was largely built with money from the Mormons, whose church forbids gambling.
  20. Freshman, sophomore, senior. Tricky one to grasp here.
  21. Playdates. Don’t children just go round to their mate’s house any more?
  22. Over here, rounders (from which baseball is derived) is only played by children, or drunk adults on a beach.
  23. Still on baseball. The World Series. With teams only from the US and one from Canada…
  24. Sarah Palin.
  25. While we’re on it, how can Americans take seriously any politician named Mitt or Jeb or Dubya?
  26. We call it maths because that is a contraction of the word mathematics. This is a multiple noun, like ‘trousers’ or ‘pants.’ Call it math? Fine. But then it becomes an abbreviation and requires a full stop (not a full point, you heathens) at the end, so math. Put the full stop in.
  27. Here endeth the lesson.  For now. Don’t provoke me, or there WILL be trouble.
  28. Codicil. Marmite rocks. Vegemite does not.
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