Sad to relate, the Right Honourable David Cameron MP is right up there in the devious stakes. With the UK anticipating an election in early May, television broadcasters have been trying to line up head-to-head debates with the seven leaders of the major parties. Six have said yes, but Cameron is flapping about like a gaffed fish. It’s quite a clever ploy in its way, since in the interests of balance he may be able to wangle his own solitary slot.

I can’t see his problem, to be honest. He keeps going on about how bloody brilliant he and his bunch of public school hooray cronies are, so you might expect him to be rolling up his Turnbull and Asser shirtsleeves and slipping a metaphorical horseshoe into his boxing gloves. He could clearly make mincemeat of that dangerous buffoon Farage, the Greens don’t seem to have a manifesto yet and nobody really takes them seriously anyway, the loonier fringe parties don’t stand a chance in hell, The Lib Dems are going to go down with all hands. The obnoxious Cameron only has one person to worry too much about, and that’s Labour’s Milliband. These two spend a certain amount of time every week attempting to score points off each other at PMQ, so the PM won’t have too many surprises. But no, he’s taken his bat and ball and gone home.

I am pleased to say that this has not gone down too well with the electorate, and there’s now a lot of disquiet in both the Cabinet and the backbenches that negative and aggressive messages are alienating voters, in particular women. In grand Tory tradition the knives have come out, and are being readied for some backstabbing. In particular the campaign chief, a truly revolting man called Lynton Crosby, is probably shopping for a stabvest even as we speak. Among other acts of treachery and condescension to the British voters, he was instrumental in effectively barring Cameron from the debates. He’s pretty relaxed about the possibility of ‘empty chair’ debates not featuring Call Me Dave, claiming it won’t make any difference to the electorate. That might just come back and bite him in the arse.

I sincerely hope it bites the odious Iain Duncan Smith in the arse. This is unlikely given the huge majority he has in the rabidly Conservative Chingford, but I can live in hope, can’t I? The thing is I could never vote for a man who cannot tie his tie properly. This is a common failing among politicians of all hues, but IDS is really crap at it.