It may come as a bit of a shock to the good people at Apple, but there is no way on this earth I’d buy their new offering, the Apple Watch. One of the reasons I won’t be queuing outside the Apple Store on 24th April is that I haven’t worn a watch for about five years. The other, more powerful reason, is the sheer banality of the advertising blurb on the website. It’s so bloody smug as well.

‘Our goal has always been to make powerful technology more accessible. More relevant. And ultimately more personal. Apple Watch represents a new chapter in the relationship people have with technology.’ This is such arrant tosh, and there’s a pretty badly mangled metaphor. Oh yes, it’s the most ‘personal’ product because it’s designed to be worn. Meh.

There’s a bit of adspeak about the accuracy of the watch, which is all you really need from a timepiece, but you do need an iPhone to allow it to keep time. Excitingly you can ‘…customise the watch face to present time in a more meaningful, personal context that’s relevant to your life and schedule.’ What is that supposed to mean? I want to know the time. That’s what I want, and that’s all I want.

‘Entirely new ways to stay in touch.’ I’m not sure I want to be able to send a message to someone else’s phone to tap them on the wrist, though apparently this is what happens when you can ‘…connect with your favourite people in fun, spontaneous ways.’ Why you need to send your heartbeat seems a tricky one to answer too.

‘A smarter way to look at your fitness.’ The Watch will monitor your activity levels for you, and over time learns your fitness and activity levels, allowing it to suggest personalised all-day activity levels. Just what we need, a bloody machine nagging us to get out of the pub and do something hearty.

‘There’s an Apple Watch for everyone.’ A ‘device you wear is vastly different from one you keep on a desk or carry in your pocket.’ That’s certainly true. This will allow you to proclaim loudly to the world what a nerd you are, and that you have a lot more money than sense. This is a real ‘Me! Me! Look at meeeeee!’ piece of narcissism.

One last bit of nonsense. Christy Turlington Burns is using an Apple Watch to train for the next London Marathon. Silly me. I thought she be using running regularly to train for a marathon. I’m sure the Watch can’t drag her round 26 miles. I must say I had no idea who she was, but a background check reveals she used to be a supermodel. She appeared at the launch of the Watch, and was soundly rounded on by the assembled techies. ‘Apple has reached the ‘forced fake Q&A with celebrities’ portion of its keynote lifecycle.’ It wasn’t popular with the public either, since as many pointed out Christy Turlington was the only woman at the event (I think women have a bit more commonsense about tech stuff than men do) and used it as a pretty blatant platform to plug her own charity. The charity has an admirable aim, since EMC aims to combat maternal illness and death, but the connection to a Watch is a bit tenuous, isn’t it?

I suppose there’s a third reason why I’ll be swerving round this concept. All those little icons for the apps? My eyesight isn’t up to the task, and I have fat fingers.

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