Bit of an unpleasant theme today. No, not Iain Duncan Smith, because if I start on him we’ll be here all day. Something just as unpleasant though.

The London Borough of Barking and Dagenham is, in about a year’s time, to introduce DNA testing. Nothing very unusual there, surely? Well, yes and no. This DNA testing will be carried out on dog faeces. Yes, that’s what I said. Dog poo.

I can see some problems here. For one thing, I can’t see the street cleaners being too happy about this prospect. I’ve worked with the street cleaners of this noble Borough. They’re a nice lot, very very diligent, take a real pride in what they do. I just can’t somehow see them sampling turds. I just can’t see it happening. I wouldn’t want to do it.

You may feel, as I do, that the money spent on testing could go to something a bit more important. Lab tests are not cheap. DNA sequencing is faster now than of old, but it still costs money. I agree with Councillor Darren Rodwell who said, ‘Dog mess not only spoils our streets-it’s also a health hazard.’ No argument. I just don’t see how this is going to help. Here’s why.

After testing the DNA of the offending dog will be added to a registry. I don’t think that’s very useful, do you? How will that then be correlated in such a way as to provide some sort of criminal evidence? I can’t see the local dog catcher swabbing his captives. Most dogs in the Borough are slavering maneaters you don’t really want to go anywhere near with a swab of any description, believe me, let alone one you have to stick in its arse. You could die in the attempt.

All in all I can’t see this being a resounding success. The average dog owner in Barking and Dagenham  is also something I’d not want to tackle without baton rounds and tear gas, though you might be able to use a scrapyard electromagnet to haul them off the ground by their piercings.

No, this is not going to work, though it’s pleasing the idea should be mooted in Barking. But if you think a bit, you’ll see this post is not unrelated to Iain Duncan Smith. Hahaha.