I fully understand that you lot think I live in a state of irascibility. That’s because I do. However, Sunday, a lovely late Spring day, wound me almost to breaking point. Buckle up.

The most not real drink in the world is a lager top. Lager with a splash of lemonade. IT IS NOT A PROPER DRINK! Shandy I get as an idea, but a f***** TOP? No. Do not do it. I used to know a man at university who drank Pernod and crème de menthe. I was less ashamed to ask for that than to ask for a lager top when I was buying a round.

Children on scooters in shops should be summarily executed. No trial, no jury, just take them out. Especially if they run into me, I say, ‘An apology would be nice, you know, sorry,’ and they look as me as if I’m a Venusian.

George and Charlotte. I do not care, and do not want to see in the national press any pictures of two averagely nice children just because they’re in line for the throne. I just do not give a stuff. Children are fine, but front page news in the national press? I think not.

Football. How can you have a game lasting 90 minutes where there is no score? It was a friendly between England and Ireland. A friendly. You might have expected them to just have a glorified kickabout in the park, punt some in, have a laugh. Final score 15 to 16, what a hoot. No. A no score draw.

Tennis. It is now obligatory for players to grunt as they hit the ball. This behaviour used to be confined to women players, but the men are at it now. This is indefensible. Shut the hell up.