I am indebted to my friend Kevin Cornwell for the rambling conversation that spawned this. We were having an idle chitchat, and for some reason we got round to the tale of Snow White. Then we began to speculate about who of the locals in our favoured watering hole might be which of the dwarves. We rapidly came to the conclusion that we needed some more up-to-date names…

Gloomy There’s an ex barmaid who fits this to a T.

Wobbly This was applied rather unkindly to a person with some physical disability, but who hasn’t yet learned that a shedload of beer doesn’t improve his sense of balance or his directional gyroscopes.

Touchy There’s one guy who goes in the pub with no detectable ability to laugh at himself. He’s a real nightmare.

Windy ‘Nick!’ ‘Pardon me.’

Pervy I name no names, but he’s Welsh.

Tearful We have the most maudlin drunk in the world go in the Boar’s Head. Also known as Oh woe is me.

Doc We genuinely have a character with this soubriquet, so he’s for real.

Kev and I were still on a roll, and there may well be more to come. One we did come up with was Dodgy, but since this applies to nearly everybody who comes through the door we had to discard it. Oh, and Kev suggested I should be Forf***sakey. I have no idea what he means.

Kevin, meanwhile, is Baldie