After yesterday’s festival of tenuous connection, here we go. Three stories with a clear connection. I must be getting old.

All three are about the police. First up, some northern force has given up busting people for growing cannabis. There’s been some predictable harrumphing about this de facto decriminalisation, but it makes sense to the Chief Constable. His force has better things to do with its time, he reckons, than nick some dopehead with a few plants in his attic. I hope Essex Police adopt a similar laissez faire attitude. Many times I’m kept awake at night by the sound of copper choppers circling looking for heat signatures from some stoner’s homegrown farm. Maybe now they can find the people who mug old age pensioners.

This is a nice one from the deeper reaches of East Anglia, starting in Norfolk and ending in tragedy in Suffolk. Cops pursued (I use the term loosely) a stolen dumper truck from Cringleford to Brandon. The truck had a top speed of 18 mph. Despite this the cops managed to write off not one but two patrol cars, at a cost to the hard pressed taxpayer (George Osborne’s phrase, not mine) of a rather splendid 50 grand. UK police pursuit drivers are supposed to be the most skilled and best trained in the world. The rest of the world must be really crap.

Avon and Somerset police released details of what they laughingly refer to as ‘inappropriate use’ of the 999 emergency service. If a guest house owner refuses to cook you breakfast and you call the Old Bill, yes, I’d say that is inappropriate. So is calling the rozzers if a seagull nicks your sandwich as you stroll down the promenade. What is wrong with people?

I’ve had a bit of a dig about on this theme of pathetic wasters. Back in 2010, Devon and Cornwall peelers released a list of the most stupid 999 calls they received. Numero uno? Some prat phoned because the delivery of his Chinese takeaway was 45 minutes late. Muppet. Another fave of mine is the woman who phoned 999 in a panic when she woke up and her duvet was over her head. Muppet. As for calling the filth because a shop won’t give you a refund on some jeans you bought last week? Well, you’re a muppet.

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