, , , , , ,

This is an oldie but goodie dating back to when I had just started blogging


I’ve not had a good rant for a while, and this seemed as good a topic as any. One of the reasons for its suitability is that I have no personal experience of how to wax my legs. As always, I see no reason to allow near-total ignorance to stand in the way of fiercely held opinion.

My depilatory experience is limited to keeping my hair at a reasonable length, and shaving my face when I can be bothered. The way I see shaving is that I don’t have to look at myself. If I look a bit grizzled and you don’t like it, it’s pretty much your problem, though I do tend to shave regularly because it’s so damned uncomfortable not to. Self self self, that’s me.

I’ve never had my back waxed, which is no surprise since it’s not even remotely hairy, but I wouldn’t anyway. As for the sack’n’crack thing, well you can put that right out of your minds. I’m not having it. I’m not, so don’t even think of trying to persuade me.

Women in particular, but some men too, appear mildly obsessive about having smooth, hair-free legs. It’s a slightly odd obsession. Hairy legs are a secondary sexual characteristic. It’s almost as if waxers want to regress to being children again, but if it makes them feel better about themselves then that’s absolutely fine by me.

The depilatory industry has become quite astonishingly hi-tech. In the good old days, you used a razor, or a Bowie knife, or a sharpened barrel hoop. Now there is a device available to ‘give you salon results at home.’ I find the idea of waxing salons a bit unsettling, so I can see the attractions of sandblasting your lower limbs while in a more domestic setting. A manufacturer called Veet will now, in exchange for a small fortune, sell you an electrical device. You plug this in to the mains, and wax in the device is heated. You then roll the wax on your legs.

What happens then is unclear from the TV adverts, which are as coy as those for ladies’ requisites. Lots of impossibly fit and lissomely attractive young women wearing shorts, while riding bikes in a carefree manner through sun dappled glades. You know the score here.

There are several claims made in the adverts.

Exactly the right amount of wax at exactly the right temperature.’ That’s encouraging. You probably don’t want your legs to look like an old Chianti bottle that’s been used as a candleholder in a 1960s bistro. It’s also reassuring that you won’t give yourself third degree burns while you suffer for your art.

Removes even very small hairs.’ Jolly good. But if they are very small, does it matter that much? I’m only asking.

‘World leaders in hair removal.’ That presupposes that some wizened old shaman in the Amazon rainforest hasn’t got it down to a fine art. We’ll probably never know.

The last thing is truly disturbing.

Results you can’t wait to share!’ The lovely and shinily smooth young women give themselves a good going over, or so we assume, since as I say the ads are a bit reticent. Then they can’t wait to share the results. I personally feel that given the choice of escaping a burning building or telling people about your fabulously smooth legs, you might just get out first and brag after. You can wait to share the result and, in this admittedly unlikely scenario, you would want to as well.

The really bizarre aspect is this. Said young lovelies then use their phones to send pictures of their denuded legs to their friends. There’s even a brief scene of two or three of them sitting round an iPad or similar, delightedly oohing and aahing at some shots another of their mates has just sent.

Do women really do that? Do they? Really? I’m willing to be guided here, but It sounds like ad makers’ hyperbole to me. I’d also put a reasonable amount of cash on the ad copywriters and directors all being male.

I can just about imagine succumbing to the urge to share photos of a spectacular new haircut, or a tattoo or body piercing, but your legs with no hair? I just don’t buy that, and if it does happen I just don’t get it. I think it’s weird. My opinion of the proud holders of two x chromosomes just took a nosedive.

By the way, things can get worse.