Given I have still some tech problems, I’m not on my machine so can’t do anything new. But this, an old post from way back when I first started blogging, is appropriate in the circumstances.


An apple a day may not not keep the doctor at bay, but it sure as hell will stop you ripping your own hair out.

What is it with Microsoft? Hey? Just what is it? You get endless e messages about new updates being available. That’s nice, isn’t it? Makes you feel all warm inside.

Well, tell you something, Mr Bill AlphaGeek Gates, here’s a suggestion. Get it right first time then we don’t need to update anything, do we?

Gawdelpus. Geeks have a protocol called ‘computer hygiene.’ Do not shut down until you have closed  every program and application. I am rigorous about this. Close everything down then shut the damned power off. I do it every time, without fail. Every time.

Then when I go to start up again, I get an error message. Windows could not start. Why not? Come on Mr Gates, give me a hint. Come on, I dare you. I did everything I was supposed to do, followed your instructions to the letter, what went wrong?

Then it gets really bad. ‘Windows is attempting repairs.’ Why? What’s to be repaired? I haven’t done it any damage. So what, I’ve got a computer that’s heavily into self harm have I? How did you bugger things up over there in Seattle? You morons.

Then, to add insult to injury, the damned computer restarts several times. This is just about acceptable on a desktop, but canes the living daylights out of the battery on a laptop, such as I use.

Then the antivirus/antimalware that you, Mr Gates, supply for free, as a service to humanity, demands yet another restart.  Why? I’ve already restarted, the machine has done so several times. Why does it go into meltdown? Come on, Bill. Tell me.

‘Windows has encountered a problem and will shut down.’ Where’s the problem, Bill?

Jeepers. My problems may be compunded by the fact that my cheapo laptop package included Windows Vista, possibly the most brittle and fragile OS the world has ever known. And now I’m out of battery pwer, and can’t write anything useful.

I once emailed Bill Gates about this. I genuinely did. I sent him an email. Did I get a reply? Did I bollocks.

PS. I now have a glitch in Word where I suddenly get a load of word spaces coming in. Like this.                 New word.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that when I finally got up and running again , the sodding thing had deleted half the stuff off my Start bar. So much for that ingratiating message ‘This will not affect your personal settings or data.’ Ha! I laugh in your face, Senor Gates.

Bugger me. I despair. How did Microsoft make so much cash?

When I get rich, I’m having  a Mac.

Jeepers, the whole word space thing jus t kicked in again. Bugger me. This is harder work than it should be. Even my spillchucker has gone on the blink.


It took me the best part of a year to get Windows to run as I wanted it to, not as the alphageek’s cohorts thought I should use it.