I note that several councils in the US have effectively banned lowslung jeans and trousers by introducing fines. Good. I really don’t want to see the waistband of your fake Calvin Kleins and the top of your arsecrack.

However, things have gone a bit awry with one recent decision. The council ruling was made on the basis, ‘because God wouldn’t like it.’ Really? Who’s been in direct contact with the deity? What exactly did he or she say? Whose God wouldn’t like it?

I’d ban it on the principle that it’s unsightly and slovenly. At that point there’d be no need to invoke God, any God. And as we saw on Tuesday, the US deliberately separates the legislature from the church. This council appears to be acting outside the Constitution, doesn’t it?

Then there’s the aspect that, if we do assume God’s going to have a metaphorical nose put out of joint, he or she can probably handle things without earthly interference. Time for a few lightning bolts, maybe. A plague of boils on the exposed arse, that would work. Or wait till the planks die, and cast them into the outer darkness. Now that’s what you’d call a lesson well learnt.

The same council is trying to ban miniskirts in public places, feeling this will somehow improve ‘respect.’ Hmm, not sure on that one either. How exactly do you improve respect by picking on the persons not being respected? Anyway, turns out this little canard was dreamed up simply to provide equality after the ruling on cheek-a-boo troons.

Let alone whether it’s right to penalise the people not being respected because of a short skirt, how do you actually implement it? I seem to recollect photos from the US in the mid 1920s where there were beach patrols measuring the length of women’s bathing costumes. I can’t see that happening today. There’d be a huge wave of assault charges, wouldn’t there?