It’s been an entertaining few weeks if you like spotting those barely dipping their toes in the gene pool.

Did you read about that drunk guy in the US who was killed by an alligator? He leapt into a watercourse yelling, ‘F*** that alligator.’ One of the reptilian denizens, not too surprisingly, took exception to this and offed him.

Still on the reptilian theme, another US citizen had to have a substantial part of his arm amputated after he was bitten by a rattlesnake. You may feel, as I do, that he rather brought his fate on himself by trying to get a selfie of him holding this representative of the Viperidae family.

More animal magic I picked up from the Ig Nobel Awards. Another American I fear; Michael Smith of Cornell University. He researched the pain of honeybee stings and how the pain varied according to the area being stung. I could have saved him the trouble; it bloody well hurts wherever. Anyway, he rated the intensity of the pain on a 1-10 scale using an internal control of his own forearm. I could also probably have told him that the nostril, the eyelid, and the penis would smart like hell. And how on earth do you get a bee up your nostril?

More American genitalia, going back a few months but I only picked it up this week. A man in an Arizona parking lot shot off his own penis while shoving a gun in the waistband of his trousers. Why he had a gun out while going to a supermarket is anybody’s guess. It’s also anybody’s guess as to why he then, instead of ringing 911, he drove to a friend’s house and there discovered the round had emerged via his anus. Anyway, it brought a whole new meaning to the term ‘Going off half cocked.’ Incidentally, this is by no means a one-off story. There have been at least eight cases in the past 12 months.

Enough of the All American Boys now. We travel quickly to the north of England. A young woman, Gaby Scanlon, decided to go out on the lash to mark her 18th birthday. In the course of this, she was experimenting with Jaegermeister, which in itself provides some insight into her mental faculties. She downed a Nitrojaeger, which is Jaegermeister and liquid nitrogen. You’re supposed to wait for the nitrogen to boil off, leaving the effect of smoke, a bit like dry ice produces. You’re not supposed to down it in one immediately. Since liquid nitro has a temperature not far short of -200 celsius, this resulted in a fair amount of predictable internal damage, and she now has no stomach. She is 100 grand better off though, having sued the club where she was drinking. Just as well I wasn’t on the bench that day. She’d have got very short shrift from me.

With that I bid you good day, sirrah.

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