You’ll have noticed that I’m quite an avid reader of newspapers, and my interest isn’t just in world events, but also in goings on closer to home. Hence I also peruse local newspapers for a bit of R&R from the momentous, and from the bloody Tory Party conference.

There are two local rags where I live. One reports events from Braintree and Witham, and is referred to as the Brainless and Witless. If you’ve been to either of those towns, you understand the soubriquet.

Lead story this week was ‘All change on the bus routes.’ This cunningly plays on the old instruction that bus conductors used to shout, but since we don’t have bus conductors any more the subtlety may be lost on anybody under the age of about 60. Lots of huffing about the scandal of the changes, but the scheme is still in the consultation stage, so the outrage may be a bit premature.

Inside, something a bit more fun. Somebody in a tractor with a pneumatic drill on the back hit a parked car but failed to stop. Easy peasy for the rozzers, you’d think. Tractors aren’t the fastest things on four wheels, are they? This one was, however, a Massey Ferguson, the supercar of the agricultural world, and it was red, and hence easily mistaken for a Ferrari with big nobbly tyres. It’s not entirely clear what happened, but the headline is ‘Police looking for tractor driver.’ Yes, the villain had it away on his toes and escaped the clutches of the old bill. While driving a tractor.

Reminds me of that story from Norfolk about the two police cars being written off while pursuing a dumper truck with a top speed of a mere 18 mph. If you missed that gem, here it is again. Incidentally, the distance from Cringleford to Brandon is about 33 miles, so the ‘chase’ must have gone on for the best part of two hours.

More copper related fun and games, this time from the Dunmow Broadcast. The decision has been made to close the local copshop, and there’s a lot of harrumphing about this. That’s not too surprising, since it only opened seven years ago, and cost the tidy sum of £7.5 million.

It’s not going to make a lot of difference, to be honest. Currently it only opens its hallowed portals during office hours. Not even office hours. 12 till 6 is a pretty short day at the blacking factory, isn’t it? In reality it never was a proper copshop but a parking lot and canteen for the local motorway police. They’ve probably spent more than £7.5 million on the electric bill for the kettles that are on 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks of the year.