The most obvious way to get barred is by getting appallingly drunk. I’ve had this happen to me just once, and the next day I had to go back to collect a sweater I’d left in the pub. As it happens they were quite content to remove the barring after a bit of fingerwagging.

I know people who’ve been barred for getting caught snorting Colombia’s finest export off the lid of a toilet cistern. Fair enough. Also, the average landlord or landlady might want a word in your shell-like if you go in with a fixed grin while reeking of ganja.

If you’re a bloke and insist on feeling up female patrons, your feet won’t touch the ground. Start a fight inside, and there’s a chance you’ll get told never to darken the doorstep again, but it might be dependent on who you smack and if there’s broad agreement the smackee richly deserved it.

All of these behaviours are predictable indicators of your needing to find a new watering hole, and you might just put it down to experience. With the exception of Class A drugs, the barring is unlikely to be permanent, so you can come back from it. But here’s one you don’t come back from; you’ll never recover from this.

I know a guy who got slung out of a pub on Saturday for being boring. Barman said he didn’t want him in there repeating stories that everybody has heard before. This may sound a bit draconian, but I was on the barman’s side here. I freely acknowledge that every pub has its resident bore; if you don’t know who it is in your local, it may be you. But there are pub bores, and then there are real menaces to shipping and to your sanity.

On a marginally related topic, a ‘study’ – Hooray! – by ‘experts’ has reached the conclusion that television soap operas should cut down on the drinking that’s shown, and instead should show the characters settling down with a nice glass of water. This, they reckon, will encourage fans to stay hydrated.

Three aspects to this. First up, if you’ve got a couch potato slumped in front of the omnibus edition of East Enders or Coronation Street, hydration is pretty much the least of your worries on the health front. Secondly, this collection of do-gooders reckons that the levels of drinking in the Queen Vic and the Rover’s Return are ‘shocking’ and ‘unacceptable.’ Really? No mention of the Woolpack, so presumably the cast of Emmerdale are all key movers and shakers in the Temperance Movement. Thirdly, since when has television fiction been expected to play a part in health education, in this case of pretty dubious worth? They’re in the pub!

I think some folk have too much time on their hands.