Nuts are all the rage at the moment, but I can’t find any detox claims for them. Very disappointing.

Ozone. Not a food, and you don’t eat it. For about 25 euros some brigand will play  on your gullibility and administer an ozone enema. Lots of celebs swear by this, including Kate Moss. It’s supposed to keep everything functioning AOK. The fact that ozone is extremely toxic, well, you know, whoever uses logic? Good news is that the methane in farts is a greenhouse gas, but at least if you fart ozone at the same time you’re doing your bit for the ozone layer.

Pineapple. Something else packed with goodness to help people be smug about their eating habits. I personally doubt that it gets rid of the toxins that cause cancer, but it tastes yummy.

Quinoa. You can’t bloody chuck a brick without hitting some raving quinoa zealot. They’ve been eating this stuff in South America for millennia. I feel moved to point out that the Incas, Aztecs, Olmecs et al all died out, and current life expectancy in Bolivia, where it’s a staple part of the diet, is under 67 years. That may be related to the Bolivian consumption of Colombia’s most famous export as a means of combating altitude fatigue.

Rocket (arugula). Some claim this can get rid of the plaque formation found in some people with macular degeneration, so that’s quite a detox claim, isn’t it? I doubt it, but if my eyesight was on the wane I’d give everything a shot.

Spinach. This has the same sort of proponents as kale, but tastes marginally better. Bear in mind that the high levels of iron in spinach are because it sequesters iron, so eat a lot and you can end up with paradoxical anaemia.

Turmeric. This is supposed to contain chemical entities that will purge toxins from the bowels. Certainly a curry can do that.

Ugli fruit. I can’t find any spurious detox claims for it, but ugli fruit crops up on many lists of superfoods, so I suspect somewhere somebody has pulled a fast one.

Vutu cana. Aka Barrington nuts. Nuts (of both the physical and mental varieties) are having quite a time of it in the healthfood market right now. I expect this is just as effective at taking the cholesterol out of your blood and tissues as any other nut, ie nut very. Couldn’t resist that terrible pun.

Wheatgrass. This is another one of those things you assume must be good for you because it tastes as if somebody else ate it before you. Wheatgrass tea has a nasty cardboardy taste, but is claimed to help with a hangover, which is the time you really need detox.

Xinomavro grapes. Like all grapes they’re supposed to be good at ridding you of toxins, but given these grapes are used to make Greek wines including the remarkably dangerous retsina, you may need to try some wheatgrass tea if you get things wrong.

Yams. These have fallen from favour a bit, but are said to help clean up your system. In some unspecified manner.

is a tricky one in the UK, but in the US zucchini are said to have detox properties. Mind you, lots of people are bonkers over there.

There you have it. The Alphabetical Guide to Dietary Smugness. You can now go down to the pub and undo all the good work.