One way to not win the lottery is to do what I do and not buy a ticket. Buying a ticket only marginally increases the chances of you winning anyway. When there were only 49 balls to try and pick 6 from, the odds against winning the big one were about 14,000,000 to 1. Since then the robber barons at Camelot have increased the income from their tax on stupidity by upping the ticket price (by 100%) and adding another 10 balls to reduce the likelihood of you picking the six winning numbers. You’re more likely to be stuck by lightning at this point.

Or you could not buy a ticket by being a dimwit.

Mr and Mrs Nylan, from Fleetwood in Lancashire, are up in arms because of a blunder they attribute to the phone app they used to attempt to purchase a ticket that they reckon would have won them £35M. Personally I think they’re whistling Dixie out of their arses, and here’s why.

Tickets cost two quid. They had a grand total of 60p in their account, so were £1-40 short, and the ticket sale, quite rightly, did not go through. Let’s face it, if you went into a shop and said ‘I’d like a lottery ticket, but I’ll have to pay you later when I’ve won, because I only have 60p just now,’ you’d get pretty short shrift wouldn’t you? The shopkeeper would tell you to sling your hook in no uncertain terms. A ticket is two quid, it’s not 60p, so go home and have a rummage down the back of the sofa. Just because you’re online, the rules don’t change.

These two nitwits just won’t give up. They insist that they topped up their balance. But stupidly they didn’t do this until after they’d tried to purchase the ticket. Not much point in saying ‘Actually I do have the money now,’ is there? It’s too late you morons!

I find it hard to understand how people can be so dim, so self pitying, and so ready to blame somebody, anybody else for their own inability to get the idea that a commercial transaction means both sides agree to the terms. Since 60p is not £2, no deal.

Camelot have rubbed salt in the wounds by confirming that if  they had purchased a ticket then the Nylans would now be in a position to be purchasing a house on the tropical island of their choosing. If they’d bought a ticket. That’s quite a big if, I think.