My mate Kev has been at it again. Here’s his contribution to my blog. And please, no moaning about it being in bad taste. It’s a bit of fun, not a wish list.
However, if you wish to moan about some of the truly awful puns, please feel free to do so.
CELEBRITY CONK OUT LIST 2016.
It’s that time of the year again. The bad weather. The Christmas bills. The words ” this year will be better than last year”. And of course the start of the best family game ever invented, ‘The Celebrity Conk Out List’.
Last year was a good one for me. Three correct. With the loss of Leonard Nimoy, George Cole and Warren Mitchell, I earned a resounding victory in my local circles. How will this year turn out? Time will tell.
Here we go then.
My top 20 predictions for 2016.
Bruce Forsyth. (87). In the name of everything holy, you can’t keep having a good game good game. Start acting your age. Stop letting me down.
Engelbert Humperdinck. (79). His music was described as ‘easy listening’. Not to my ears. Please release us and let him go for his last waltz.
Brian Blessed. (79). What a blessed relief it would be to our shell-likes if we lost his big booming voice. He needs a volume control.
Anne Robinson. (71). Actually looking good for her years in all fairness so this could be my weakest link. Worth a bet though.
Lester Piggott. (80). Jockey stripped of his OBE after serving a year in her Maj’s stables for tax evasion. (Income tax? Betting tax?) Each way it cost him a bit more than 2000 guineas.
Chuck Berry. (89). If he pops his clogs this year, takes route 66 and finds a particular place to go, he can let his friends on this list play with his Ding-a-ling.
Honor Blackman. (90). This former avenger became James Bonds Pussy Galore, (read that as you wish). Maybe it was those ‘Kinky Boot’s she wore and insisted on singing about.
Judi Dench. (81). Dame Judi is known as James Bonds boss ‘M’ in many films but also once enjoyed a Fine Romance with her husband Michael Williams. Allegedly.
Ursula Andress. (79). Another Bond girl who has been seen in a state of Andress on the screen with 007. Old Jimbo wasn’t fussy was he.
Peter Stringfellow. (75). Owner of a certain gentlemens club. Please. If only. Just give him a haircut before he goes up. Even heaven has a dress code.
Len Goodman. (71). Ballroom dancer and judge on Strictly Come Dancing. Chances of him snuffing it this year out of ten? SEVEN.
Dickie Bird. (82). Cricket umpire and former batsman, who has knocked up a respectable figure so far. But will he get caught this year. Has his time run out.
Ozzy Osborne. (67). The prince of darkness sang about heaven and hell With Black Sabbath. No prizes for guessing which way he will head for.
He’s dead already. He just hasn’t been told yet.
John Cleese. (76). And now for something completely different. This Monty Python star also known as Basil Fawlty really must not mention the war if he ceases to be. Becomes an ex actor six foot under pushing up the daisies.
Bob Dylan. (74). If you hear rumours of his passing blowin in the wind, look up and see if he really is knock knock knockin on heaven’s door.
Jane Fonda. (78). Many men were very fonda her through the years, but old Henry’s daughter is looking her age now.
Raquel Welch. (75). One million years B.C. this famous sex symbol Bedazzled men all over the world in her deerskin bikini. She looked pretty good in lycra hot pants too I must say. But that was a few years ago.
June Whitfield. (90). Has had a long career in comedy with some of the best in the business. Another one looking good for her age but how much longer can she Carry On?
Jimmy Carter. (91). The 39th President of the United States. Served in the U.S. Navy and ran the family peanut farming business. Is he at the age where he starts going nutty himself?
Richard Wilson. (79). Could he have one foot in the grave this year? Personally, I DON’T BELIEVE IT.
So that’s my predictions for this year.
A mention to my good friend Duncan, who had the legend, Mr Ian Lemmy Kilmister planned for his list.
Sadly, as you know, Lemmy passed away just before new year. He will be sadly missed by rock and metal fans worldwide.
Duncan, tough luck matey boy. No early lead for you.
Legal notice. No celebrities have been harmed in the writing of this list.