The Home Secretary, Theresa May, today released the following statement.
‘We’ve been listening to hardworking, taxpaying families and so far ignoring them, because there are matters of much more pressing importance.
‘Students in the UK are quite rightly extremely disturbed by non-Mexicans wearing sombreros, and this is a mere tip of the iceberg of cultural appropriation. To address this insidious, growing, and immensely troublesome national problem, the government intends to introduce legislation by means of statutory instruments that will take effect without any discussion in the House. We intend to start with music and dance.
‘Only Jamaicans will be permitted to perform reggae. This means that UB40 will be out of a job, much to everybody else’s relief.
‘Karaoke will become once more the domain of the Japanese. This we hope will mean the end of scraps in the pub on a Sunday night after a particularly painful rendition of ‘Unchained Melody.’
‘Blues will return to the hands of poor black people in the US. That means no more Eric Clapton, thank goodness.
‘Katherine Jenkins will be out of a job too, since opera must now be performed only by sturdily built Italians, not by attractive women from Neath. The ENO will no longer be able to scrounge subsidies from the coffers of UK PLC, which may well annoy some of our toff friends, but we must be seen to be acting even-handedly.
‘If you are a city wideboy and not a hayseed with a straw in your mouth, there will now be a system of on the spot fines for Morris dancing. This restriction also applies to folk singers. In an ideal world, we’d fine the hayseeds too, but that’s a political minefield.
‘We aim to make samba once again the province of people from Brazil. Similarly, salsa music and dance will return to the bailiwick of snake-hipped Puerto Ricans and Cubans.
‘Disco dancing will be banned for anyone who is not a native New Yorker. We had hoped to bring this Act in while the Bee Gees were around but it got talked out.
‘Similarly, if you weren’t born within a 50 mile radius of Nashville, you will be locked up for playing a pedal steel guitar and bleating that your woman done cheated on you, and your dawg just fell out of your pickup truck and has joined your momma in heaven.
‘Lastly, heavy metal will come back to its rightful home, England. The Kinks invented it back in 1964 with ‘You really got me,’ and it is only fitting that the people of this great country reclaim what is rightfully theirs.’