It’s quite easy. All you have to do is spout complete nonsense for hours on end. It’s a bit like the QVC shopping channel with even more balls.

The Six Nations rugby tournament opened in the UK this weekend. I don’t mind watching rugby, but I do mind the apparently endless and very irritating prematch analysis and predictions. Most of the predictions will be wrong anyway, and I really don’t need an hour and a half of drivel before the national anthems are even sung.

We got away quite lightly here. I’m led to believe that in the coverage of the Broncos/Panthers Super Bowl in the US on Sunday, there was a four hour preamble. I’d lose the will to live having to listen to all the hot air and nonsense about who they beat to get there, how they beat them, blahdee blahdee blah. Any football fan will know what happened this last season, and anybody turning on just to watch a bunch of big lads crashing into each other won’t give a rat’s arse, will they?

Motor racing is rich with total piffle. You see some bloke struggling a bit with a car handling like a pissed pig on rollerskates starring in ‘Disney on Ice,’ and some wally says, ‘He’s going to have to overtake Driver X, who’s running in third place, if he’s to get a podium finish!’ Well no shit, Sherlock.

My particular bête noire is football in the UK. You’re well aware of my disdain for the overpaid, floppy-haired playboys who fall over in the mistaken belief nobody has spotted they’re taking a dive. But the commentators are such bloody idiots too. You get a prematch analysis, you get the match itself with a pointless commentary, then you get a post match analysis. All of this is carried out at maximal volume and with ersatz breathtaken excitement in the voice.

I’d be really good as a footie commentator. No. Really. I would.

‘If the bloke with the ball gets it into the back of the opponents’ net, he’ll score a goal.’

That’s not hard, is it? Piece of cake.

Then the postmatch analysis. This is often done as a doubleheader so two blithering idiots can shout their blithering idiot bollocks at each other. This is how I’d handle that little nest of vipers.

‘Right, the guys in red lost, can we go down the pub now?’

‘Well, they lost but I think they played an outstanding game.’

‘They lost.’

‘Yes, but they played better than their opponents.’

‘They lost.’

‘The other team were nowhere near as flexible in the midfield…’

‘They lost. The others got more goals. That’s how it works.’

There you go. You just need somebody to get to the nub of things, and we can all have a much quieter life.

Chris Kamara, read this and learn at the feet of the Master. Better still, get a job on QVC.