OK, let’s be clear here. I know all advertising consists of telling fibs. I should know. I spent 20 years of my life advertising, or in other words fibbing. I know how it works, all right?

I’m generally amenable to the conceits of advertising. Some I find risible, some I find irritating, some I find amusing. Just now and then I find some adverts absolutely jaw-droppingly misleading.

One has cropped up recently. It’s on the television right now. It features a rather nice looking young woman, bit of a cliché perfectly made-up blond, For some reason she starts off fully clothed, then puts on her mascara, then mysteriously she’s stripped down to her underwear. But it’s her commentary that makes me go, ‘WTF? That’s arrant bollocks!’

‘Looking this well groomed is natural for me.’ Yes, possibly, though I might take issue with it being a natural look, but hey. You look like a raving narcissist. I sort of believe it so far. Ish. Ish. But at this point I lose patience.

‘And for me it starts with my feet.’

What are you babbling on about, you fibber? Your feet? Not the moisturiser, the foundation, the blusher, the concealer, the hair dye, the shampoo, the conditioner, the superlash mascara? No, your feet are more important.

That’s just plain untrue. It’s not a stretcher, that’s an outright lie.

Yes, you may want to buy a rechargeable battery powered grinding stone to take the hard skin off your feet. You might. I can see that you might. But it’s not, I repeat not, under any circumstances whatsoever, the place where you start your beauty regime. It’s not. Don’t argue with me, because you’re wrong and we’ll fall out.

Then it gets worse. The voiceover goes on to say that Mother’s Day is coming up, and this product is an ideal present for that occasion. I don’t know about you, but if I presented the woman in my life, if I had one, with what is a glorified mechanical corn plaster, I’d be pretty certain that sex was off the agenda for a while. A good while. Possibly never.

It gets worse, if possible, Because Mother’s Day is an advertising construct. Mother’s Day has nothing to do with being a mum. It’s an old Christian religious festival that was used to celebrate and embrace the Mother Church. So this advert is crap at a whole slew of levels.

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