This is a real piece of progressive thinking. Some bunch of swivel eyed lunatics on a parliamentary committee have come up with a simply wizard idea. Here it is.

They think it should be illegal to pay for sex. Certain activities associated with prostitution are already illegal, such as soliciting, kerb crawling, pimping, and running a brothel. But currently it’s not a crime to pay somebody to have sex with you. These numpties are seeking to change that.

Even better, they want it to be a crime to pay for sex abroad. They want to criminalise an activity that isn’t illegal in some countries. That’s a bit rich, don’t you think? Some bloke, or woman for that matter, goes on a shagathon in Amsterdam or Bangkok, comes home exhausted but happy, and ends up in chokey.

Now we arrive at a thorny problem. What exactly constitutes sex? A handjob in a massage parlour? A quick blowjob behind a skip?

Then we arrive at an even thornier problem. Just how are they going to police this? As I keep pointing out to anybody who’ll listen, the cops won’t roll out if you get burgled, and the general way they deal with a drunken brawl is to sit down the road in a squad car, wait for the violence to die down, and arrest those who are unconscious.

How will the authorities, and I use that term loosely, establish a commercial transaction went on? Grab a hooker’s purse and dust the notes for fingerprints off the client? Suppose I take a woman out for a meal, pay for it in its entirety, then we go back and have a kneetrembler over her kitchen table. Have I paid for the sex?

Meanwhile, Jezzer Corbyn has a better idea. He wants to decriminalise prostitution completely.

‘Let’s do things a bit differently and in a bit more civilised way.’

I’m with him on this. It’s going to happen anyway, so why don’t we acknowledge that and stop thinking of slinging people in the hoosegow? Think of all the court time we’d free up.