This was tricky, since we could have carpet bombed quite a lot of Essex. Basildon. Billericay. Braintree. Also, we took Birmingham out of the equation, on the grounds it was too obvious. I like the people in Brum, but as a city it’s awful.

So here we go, pop pickers.

Places beginning with B


This is the satanic capital of the UK, according to the Daily Mail, so it must be true. I just find it ugly.


This is midway between Reading and Slough, so draw your own conclusions.

Burnham Beeches

This sounds as if it should be a rural idyll, but it’s merely a dormitory for the nearby Taplow, a town of notable hideousness.


A great place to go if you’re in search of a Greggs, a betting shop, or a CashConverters. Not a good place to go if you don’t like to be beaten up. Next door to Dagenham.


Best thing to with this place is saddle up your cock horse, whatever that might be, and get out of town. Forget the fine lady with the bells on her toes. Just skedaddle.