About this time last year I had a bit of a rant about the Apple Watch, which I am pleased to say has pretty much tanked in the marketplace. Now some lunatic by the name of Doug Evans has gone one louder.

‘Ladeez and gennelmen, I introduce to you (cue fanfare) the Juicero!’

juicero

This is part app, part tech, and all pointless.

What you get is a wifi enabled juicer that turns prepared pouches of fruit and vegetables into 8oz of cold pressed juice. Wifi on a glorified blender. The world has gone mad.

The idiot Evans has invested $100M in the plant to produce Juicero, saying it’s so popular among the health conscious venture capitalists in California (where else?) that it’s worth a punt with that sort of money. This is a bit of a sweeping assumption, since it was only launched on Thursday, and they haven’t actually sold any yet.

Speaking of venture capitalists, they may be the only ones to be able to afford one of these gizmos, given they come with a hefty $700/£500 price tag, so don’t expect them to be flying off the shelves in Port Talbot any time soon.

Then there are the pouches. They run at a cool four to ten dollars a pop. Ten dollars is a lot of money for a glass of juice. The goodies contained in them are produced by a partner organic farm. But if you order them, then the fruit and veg aren’t going to be exactly dew fresh by the time they reach you are they? Because they’ll have come via a packing house in LA.

I have a problem with the pouches anyway. They’re going to have to be disposed of, aren’t they? Nespresso are already running into grief from my urban warrior collective about their capsules, and I can’t see that being a busybusy exec with no time to wash a blender is any excuse for producing more landfill. Blenders wash themselves anyway. Fill them with water, lid on, give it a whizz, sorted.

However, the thing that really puts me off is Evans’s drivel about this miracle lifesaver.

‘Organic cold-pressed juice is rainwater filtered through the soil and the roots and stems and the plants.’

It’s a bit more complex than that, surely?

‘You extract the water molecules (which, I might add, are identical to the ones that come out of your tap), the chlorophyll, the anthocyanin and the flavinoids and the micronutrients. You’re getting this living nutrition.’

Meh. I’ll leave this for the blokes with ponytails and beards. They’ll take the marketing blather hook, line, and sinker.

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