I may have remarked on the German word backpfeifengesicht. It’s one of those words like schadenfreude where there’s no English equivalent, but we get the concept. Backpfeifengesicht means ‘face in need of a fist.’ We all know a few of those.

Here’s a brief list of some of those I would have down as candidates. It’s not comprehensive.

Iain Duncan Smith Almost goes without saying, that one.

Sir Alan Duncan My new bête noir. This is the fuckwit who claimed that opening up politicians’ tax affairs to the public would result in the Commons becoming full of ‘low achievers.’ As if it isn’t already.

Volvo On one of their new FWDs they offer ‘Pilot Assist.’ This will park your car for you, among other things. Lots of manufacturers offer similar, but Volvo has the most infuriating name. If you can’t park the car yourself, don’t drive. And you’re driving, not piloting.

The person of low intelligence who designed those bloody stupid washbasins that dispense soap that misses your hands, don’t run the water for long enough, and an inbuilt hand dryer that doesn’t And they’re too small, so you wash your trousers and look as if you’re incontinent. The person of low intelligence was clearly a man. No woman would be so bloody stupid.

The blithering idiot responsible for polished granite work surfaces These look great till you actually do any work on them, at which point it looks as if you’ve been invaded by sticky-fingered toddlers. Just touching them leaves marks. Also designed by a man.

People who tell me I’ll burn in hell It’s a risk I’m willing to take.

The idiot who decided on the material for packaging pasta How many times have you scattered fusilli all over the place when the bag rips suddenly and unpredictably? Also a man.

Ex-smokers Not all, just the ones who bleat on about how much better they feel and have exaggerated coughing fits when somebody else sparks one up. I’m an ex myself, but I don’t bang on about it. Some of the exes are worse than non-smokers in their evangelical zeal.

Teetotallers If they’re lifetime TTs, they can be a bit smug. Ones who used to drink and have given up can be the most miserable buggers in the world.

Incoherent teens, or older people who cannot form a sentence without the use of the word ‘like’ as punctuation. A fist in the face may be too lenient. I might bring back hanging.

Tiger mums Nice when children have a childhood, I think.

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