After the iWatch, the Rollie, the wi-fi enabled juicer that sets you back $700, I thought things couldn’t get more ridiculous. But of course, I was incorrect. I continually am amazed by the stupidity of the human race.

Here’s the latest thing I picked up on. You can now lay out £1200 on a Spanish invention, and it is effectively an antibonking device. Yep, your hard earned pennies will get you a mattress that will detect rumpypumpy going on while you’re out of the house. A series of sensors will detect any unexpected rhythmic activity and send an alert to your smartphone.

If you’re so insecure you need to buy this piece of halfwittedness, you may be in the wrong relationship. No, you definitely are in the wrong relationship.

Then there’s the aspect that any self-respecting player away will know about the sensors, and will act accordingly, perhaps utilising the kitchen table, which affords considerable opportunities for amorous activity. As does the bath. Don’t underestimate the shower either.

What’s wrong with the stairs, come to think of it? Over the back of an armchair? The great outdoors?

As Matthew Norman in The Times points out, you could come home hotfoot to check on things, and find your children having a pillowfight. Or you could arrive with the shotgun locked and loaded, only to find your cats doing that feline thing of chasing each other round and round in circles, and playfighting.

I’m rather surprised this ‘innovation’ comes from a Spanish company. Had it been some manufacturer in some Calvinist bit of the US bible belt, yes, I could understand it. But Spain?

Even more surprising, I suppose, would have been if it had been invented in France. Or Italy. Mrs Berlusconi wouldn’t have got much work done, would she? She’d spend half her waking hours putting the pedal to the metal in a Fiat 500 to race home to find out which particular mistress her husband was shagging.

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