I had second thoughts about writing this post, but seeing that the perp has made this all generally known, I reckon it’s OK to go ahead.

I have a mate, Stuart, who is from South Africa. He’s a good bloke despite that. He does however have a flaw, and that is that though he’s not unintelligent he can be very dense. I’m surprised they let him out without a carer.

A few weeks ago he went to Budapest for a long weekend. When he got back he didn’t have the fixed grin of somebody who’d been on a three day shagathon, but instead was sporting the hangdog look of somebody anxiously awaiting some medical test results. He got the all clear, but he also got a lot of stick from his mates along the lines of, ‘Only you, you f******. If it was going to be anybody, it was going to be you.’

This weekend he and a mate went to Malaga for another couple of days of drunken debauchery. We all predicted a disaster, and we were not disappointed. Things did  not go well. On the day they arrived they got absolutely poleaxed drunk. They got back to the room, and Stuart’s mate passed out. This was unfortunate, since he had the only key to the room, and Stuart was intent on going out for something to eat. With no key he couldn’t get back in.

Now a normal person would simply have gone out, and hammered on the room door when he got back to awake the slumberer and get let in, or ask reception to use a pass key. Any normal person would have done that. The operative word here is ‘normal.’

Stuart, ill advisedly, decided to wedge the door ajar and go to feed his face. When he got back, his bag was in the corridor. This was doubly unfortunate, since his passport, which had been in the bag, was not in the corridor.

So the next day, Monday, instead of some enthusiastic drinking and wenching, Stuart had to go the the British Consulate to get an emergency passport. Yes, I know I said he’s from South Africa, but he has dual nationality. Sadly he’d previously lost his SA passport, and had no other ID whatsoever. No passport, no flight back to Blighty.

When he finally got back to the UK on Tuesday, he had to make an appointment to get his full British passport reinstated. All in all a pretty pricey weekend away, what with the cost of an emergency passport, a new permanent passport, getting into London to get a fast-track passport, because he’s going to SA on May 9th.

Best bit? We all suspect that when he wedged the door open, he wedged it with his own bag. A normal person might have used a shoe, or a book, or something not containing a passport. Again, the operative word is ‘normal.’

He’s joining the Royal Navy soon. That will be fun.