I toyed with Hartlepool, but that would have been a bit mean-spirited, since although it’s physically unatractive the people are lovely. However…

Places beginning with H


Indescribably horrid, apart from the bit near the fishponds round the back of the college, which has a sort of continental air. Sort of. The rest of this town is home to the Morlocks who found out how HG Wells’s time machine worked, and came back in time to the present. I have never seen a more concentrated collection of ill blessed, ill mannered, and violently inclined semi-humans. And I have actually lived there, so I know what I’m talking about

Footnote. My mate Kev has asked me to point out that Morlocks don’t do aspirates, and have trouble with certain vowels. Hence Harlow is pronounced ‘Arla’


Another port town. Go to visit The Redoubt, a fort overlooking the approach to the harbour. It’s quite interesting. Then go home again. Immediately. Don’t even stop for fish and chips. Get thee hence from this accursed place


So inbred even the cats have club feet

Hebden Bridge

This is included because it’s so trendy it makes your fillings itch, what with all the artisan potters and places to buy hand macraméd gluten-free sandals. Shame. It’s a nice little town. Though it does flood regularly

Hemel Hempstead

The only thing worthy of note here is the famous Magic Roundabout. People in the Kodak offices overlooking this knocked off about 3:30 on a Friday afternoon to go and drink coffee and watch the accidents


Just down the road from Broxbourne. Broxbourne is OK. Hoddesdon isn’t


Another place of unremitting ugliness, and under the approach flightpath to Heathrow