Let me make clear from the outset that I have never used the services of a prostitute. I have an online correspondent, though, who is a bellhop in a hotel near Niagara Falls, and he has some haircurling tales of some the ladies of the night that he’s encountered. So I thought I’d wade in with my sixpennorth.

I used to have to spend a lot of time in hotels up and down the country and abroad, so the opportunities to see hookers in action were legion. I also spent a lot of time in foreign climes on holiday, and tourists are a prime target of course.

OK, close to home. I was staying in a very swanky hotel in the West End. Returning to my room, I encountered a spectacularly beautiful stately blonde wearing a sable coat. It was also clear that was all she was wearing apart from the black stilettos. She very politely asked if I could direct her to room XXX. I was happy to help, and she wandered nonchalantly off.

Now to Istanbul. I was sauntering about, and for reasons we need not go into I was wearing a polo shirt with a British Telecom logo on it. A rather seedy looking man with a luxuriant moustache approached me.

‘Aaa! Eengleesh! Manchester United! You wan girl, Eengleesh?’

‘No, thanks very much.’

‘I have nice Toorkeesh girl for you. Very nice. Very clean.’

‘No thank you.’

Now the thing is that hookers don’t always take into account that you’re with a partner, or in my case wife. In Thailand we wandered into a bar, and one of the pay as you go women immediately shoved a hand down my trousers. Thanks, but no thanks.

Amsterdam. In the redlight district.

‘Hey, you want?’

I smiled, shook my head, and silently pointed at my wife.

‘No problem!’

She then made it amply clear that she was willing to cater for all sexes and proclivities. I’ll not go into the graphic detail that she did.

Most unusually, in Cuba. For the first time ever my wife and I were given the come-on by a pair of identical twins. That in itself was a new slant.

But just to put the icing on the cake, they were identical twin dwarfs

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