I have mentioned before that, despite having spent a long time in various roles in the advertising world, I’m an adman’s nightmare. I can describe adverts in a good amount of detail, but I can’t tell you what they’re advertising. This is a major bummer for creatives the world over. It’s what they fear more than anything in their working lives, other than being sacked.

I note with a great deal of displeasure the resurrection of that bloody annoying opera singer with the stupid moustache. As I recollect, this character was once voted the most irritating person on television in the UK, miraculously beating both Keith Lemon and Chris Kamara to the finish line, and about three years ago he was actually killed off. Now, sadly, he’s done a roll away the stone act. I still can’t tell you what he’s advertising.

On the subject of irritating oiks, the shaven headed twerking man in the suit jacket, denim hotpants, and high heels is back. However, now he’s accompanied by a fat, bearded, pole dancing berk in a hardhat and hi-vis jacket. I haven’t a clue what they’re promoting either.

Then there’s the bloke with the zebra’s head and the slightly camp voiceover. Camp’s fine. Market skimming. I get that.

This ad concept is so bloody annoying I’ve never actually got to the payoff, so I can’t say what he’s on about, but I can safely say that if I did know I’d go out of my way to avoid it.

Who is Ryan Reynolds? He’s an irksome little git, isn’t he? For some reason he falls out of a car, walks through a glass door, and gets slapped by a girl. He whitters on about how his life moves fast, so I assume he’s banging on about broadband connections. I also am mildly miffed by the fact that he can’t remember if the girl who clonks him is in some way with him, which is a wee bit sexist. Me? I’d hit him for free simply for existing.

I think he appears in the Fast and Furious franchise. Is this likely to gift any credibility to anybody involved in that admittedly entertaining fluff? Vin Diesel is a chemtrails believer. He doesn’t convince me either.

Two odd bits of demographics. Mary Poppins appears on our screens, as indeed does Top Cat. Both of these characters date back to the 60s, yet the audience, if we’re to believe the ‘real people’ who feature, are young aspirers who weren’t even thought of back then. Their parents might recollect Mary P, and the stultifying unfunny feline and his crew, but the children won’t, not in the way that those of us who are dinosaurs do.

There’s a crop of superheroes I don’t recognise. Not an inkling who they are, nor what they’re selling. Guess I’m not their target audience, eh?

One last bugbear. Car ads. All car ads. In the UK our cars have the steering wheel on the correct side. Nearly all current UK car ads feature vehicles that have the steering wheel on the left, the wrong side. This is because the ads are global efforts, but the local effect is to create a mild insular jingoistic attitude of disdain. This is reinforced by the fact that the number plates are foreign.

Maybe not despite. Maybe because of. What do you think?

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