Several of these were solved this week. I’ll warn you now the first topic you may find distasteful.

This week, the London Bridge Plastic Surgery Clinic was forced by the Advertising Standards Agency to withdraw an advertisement the offered surgery for ‘a more natural appearance.’ Hmm, surgery to make you look natural? I had trouble getting my head around that.

This where it all gets distasteful and just plain weird. They offered a labiaplasty service. Women worried they looked a bit untidy in the nether regions could get that problem ‘corrected.’

We now enter some philosophical quicksand. What is a ‘natural’ looking set of labia? Answers on a postcard please.

Apparently women are willing to pay upwards of three grand for a trim that is the genital equivalent of a nip and tuck. Go to some places such as Ethiopia, and FGM comes at a much lower cost.

And what was Lardarse Kardashian up to admitting, on television, that she’d shown her bits to her friend Larsa Pippen, who declared them to be ‘gorgeous and perfect’? I’m morbidly curious about the sequence of events that led up to the display and concluding comments.

Now, a question for you. It comes from one of the higher brow dailies. ‘What colour are toes this season?’

My immediate response was ‘flesh-coloured.’ But in the pursuit of knowledge and furtherance of understanding, I read on.

An entire article about not toes, but toenail polish and this season’s hot colours. If you’re interested, their trends this season are for taupe. You could say beigey brown, but taupe sounds so much more happening, doesn’t it? It’s derived from the French word for mole, by the way. The other happening colour is going to be green, or so I am reliably informed.

Want to spend 69 quid on some all in one facial moisturiser/foundation/sunscreen? There are answers to that problem just waiting to get their hands in your purse.

Talking of purses, we must now return to the opening (haha) topic of ladyparts. Gwyneth Paltrow, the only person in the world less helpful than Lardarse, had an entire issue of her online magazine Goop dedicated to sex. The lead article was about toxic lubricants.

http://goop.com/i-yam-what-i-eat-is-lube-toxic/

She recommends yams. And eating oily fish to help nature do the job for you.

I wish I could say I made all this up. But I didn’t.

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