This is more tricky than you may think.

Nobody ever goes to a kebab shop sober. I have touched on this topic before. But it’s a universal truth. In a kebab shop, and if you are not serving/cooking, you’re pissed. There it is. Admit it. I am when I get the post-pissup munchies. So are you. Come on, fess up.

Anyway. The ideal design would be like a MackieD’s drive through, but in a shop. You roll in one end, give your order, keep moving, there’s your nosh, keep walking, out the exit door, bye bye, have a nice day. NEXT!

You know that makes sense don’t you? A linear movement. In. Buy. Out.

Supermarkets have this down to a t. Kebab shops are hampered by the limited space. They’re small and have only one door; this keeps the rent manageable. Hard to aim for efficiency. But at the same time, you can aim for ease of use. Unlike my local kebabery.

I go there maybe once a year, if that, but I see patrons struggling all the time. There are three steps steps up to the front door. This is a major problem when you’ve got a few under your belt. But then it gets worse.

You need to negotiate a 90 degree turn out of a small hallway into the shop itself. Hard enough in and of itself when you can’t actually walk in a straight line, let alone make calculated changes in direction.

But here’s the drunk filter. There’s a small step up. Small. Three inches? About that. But it is a f***** when you’re three sheets to the wind. You collapse into the place looking like a tyro on Amateur Hour.

We now need to assume you can decide what you want, and be lucid when ordering. Since all the staff are Turkish with a good but basic grasp of English, this may present some problems. Or it would were they not fluent in gibberish. So you order a large doner, yes all the works, extra chillies, wibble wibble blah blah burble burble…

You get your kebab, thank you, bye bye.

Then you have to negotiate the hidden small step, reel down the short hall, then there are the three steps to the outside world and freedom.

I suspect their ‘Trade Waste Only’ dumpsters are full of the corpses of those who didn’t make it.

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